


Rock'N'Roll Suicide | Washingroe

by internationalbitchboy



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: A lot of banging, AU, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Break Up, Bromance, Concerts, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Implied Climbing Class, Implied Josh/Chris - Freeform, Jealousy, Josh is a singer, Josh isn't okay, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mike has internalized homophobia, Not Beta Read, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Song Lyrics, Washingroe, Yearning, chris and josh have banged, josh is a bit not okay, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24174553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/internationalbitchboy/pseuds/internationalbitchboy
Summary: A small punk band start gaining traction at local shows.Mike isn't necessarily a show-goer but when one of his friends ask him to tag along he doesn't dismiss it.Or basically, Hannah asks Matt to go because her sister and brother are playing and Matt asks the rest of them to come along.Slurs used, Mike is scared to admit that he's a little bit attracted to the main singer.
Relationships: Ashley Brown/Chris Hartley, Emily Davis/Jessica Riley (Until Dawn), Matt Taylor/Hannah Washington, Mike Munroe/Josh Washington, Sam Giddings/Beth Washington
Comments: 15
Kudos: 32





	1. Rock N Roll Suicide

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I don't know how long this fic will be but I have nothing better to do quarantine and this idea of Josh being an edgelord cocky lead singer has been running through my thoughts so now we're here

"Come on man, it'll be fun, plus I'm pretty sure Em and Jess are coming as well."

If we're being honest, Matt didn't need to debate his case much. Mike was going to end up at some random party for the weekend anyway, he had nothing better to do, so when faced to go to a concert he didn't immediately deny the request.

Apparently, Matt's girlfriend, Hannah, had a twin sister and older brother who were in a band, and they were playing a show, Hannah asked Matt for the group to go. Mike had heard of the band before, of course. He was no stranger with Hannah, so he's hung out with her sister a few times. Ashley was a friend of Jess, and she's dating the guitarist, Christopher, so he's sure he's met him before. He knew of Samantha Giddings, Beth's girlfriend and an old acquaintance of his..seemingly the only one he didn't know was Han's brother, Joshua. 

Well, naturally he knew of the eldest Washington sibling, knew he existed but could not for the life of him place a face to his name. Not a single memory of ever meeting the guy but he's heard plenty. 

"Alright, man. Just text me the details later."

His response seemed to satisfy Matthew, whose attention went back to the game they were playing.

As nonchalant as Mike was acting, he was excited. He never went to many concerts, he was more of a house party, DJ music type of dude, but the adrenaline of the live music and the loud drums wasn't so bad either, plus Matt promised there'd be many hot girls there, and who is Mike to turn down that kind of offer? 

-

"Check, check.." The high pitch noise that emitted from the microphone was nothing short of ear-piercing. A large, proud grin graced Joshua's face.

"Bro, what the hell!" Chris complains as soon as his ears stop ringing..everyone else in the room seemingly annoyed. It's way too early for mic checks, let alone for him to be up on the stage.

"Sir.." The owner of the venue approached the eldest Washington sibling, the elderly man was trying his hardest to seem composed and professional but it was turning out harder than anticipated, the singer of the band kept straying away and doing things his own way.

"Sorry man, I was just checking it out." Josh was quick to jump down, making the man cringe seeing how close to the wiring the boy got. 

"I understand but-"

"I apologize for my brother, yet again. I think he's just excited for tomorrow night.." Beth chimed in, trying her hardest to cover for her brother's unprofessional behavior. 

They'd booked the place a while back, today they need to make sure everything is safe and sound. Tables cleaned, speakers working, drinks stored..those things. The instruments would be brought tomorrow, early in the day so everything's in check, so Josh checking out the low quality microphone the club offered wasn't a necessity and it just got everyone to grow more agitated with Joshua's actions.

As the old man continued on to explain essentials and basics to Sam and Beth, Chris stuck behind with Josh.

"Do you want us to get kicked out, man?" His voice was laced with annoyance, boring at his band mate from behind his glasses. Josh's nonchalance was beginning to get on his nerves too.

"We won't get kicked out, this place needs money and we'll provide costumers, they need us." His arrogance was infuriating, but maybe it was just Chris being jealous of how confident Josh was..but it's was brought him closer to the Washington.

"You keep telling yourself that," Sam approached the two, her smile was subtle..she truly brought the group together, always defusing situations and looking out for them. The drummer placed her hands on her hips. "Let's head out, we still gotta rehearse tonight, and then tomorrow, we need to rest."

"Oooor we could go drinki-" Before Josh could even finish his suggestion he stopped himself, it was mostly the death glare Beth was giving him that made his words halt.

"Rehearsing it is."


	2. Ugly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre-show thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song from the title and the one josh sings to chris is ugly by moses campbell, they dont make music anymore but their stuff is dope asf!
> 
> this chapter is kinda filler but it's a look into Josh and Chris' relationship and Josh's mind ok? ok

Chris Hartley knew a lot of things about his best friend.

He knew Josh had big dreams and his mind wandered everywhere in the business especially film and music.  
He knew that he had an extraordinary voice and that it fit the melody of each of their songs.  
He knew Josh had a heart of gold and cared so deeply about everyone close to him, even though he had the tendency to make crude jokes, laugh around and never take things to seriously. He knew that from an outsider's perspective Josh was nothing but a reprobate, a crude, ill-mannered young man with no respect for himself and no respect for the world around him.

But Chris didn't have the perspective of an outsider. Chris knew everything. Chris knew just /how/ deeply people's words affected Josh. He knew how /much/ he cared for everyone's opinions on him. How much words hurt him and how lonely Josh is.

Oh..just how lonely he was.

And he knew..he just knew Josh acted out of place just for some sort of attention..any sort of attention, good or bad. And in his mind, he found it. In his mind, the more sexual jokes and inappropriate comments he made the more eyes were on him. That's why he wanted to succeed with their music so bad. 

Josh simply came alive while on stage. The small twinkle in his eye when he sung the words he wrote down never went unnoticed by Chris..

Chris knows there's a good reason for that.

Josh wrote all of the music, and with each song he put a little bit of his mind on display. Josh wasn't okay. He hid away behind jokes and 'i'm okay's and 'yeah, it's all good's, but those he held dear knew how much Josh can struggle. When Josh sang the words that showed a bit of him, he felt as if the people listening understood..they understood just how alone he felt.

But deep down he knows they don't. To them it's a catchy beat with some dude muttering words that go nicely together. 

He felt understood and noticed. 

He'll play it off with 'it's just a song' whenever Chris asked but Chris knew better. He's grown to understand the lyrics, grown to see what they all mean.

The range from songs where his voice is so soft, to where he's screaming his heart out in the mic..now usually over-analyzing people was Josh's thing but Chris can't help it when it came to Josh.

Speaking of Josh, Chris followed his best friend as the guy plugged his guitar in and began strumming randomly, seeing if the guitar is properly tuned so they can rehearse for their show. Well, the band officially rehearsed their set hours ago, but Josh wanted to practice a bit more, and Chris didn't want to leave his side, plus some guitar melodies could ease his nervous state of mind. Chris plays around with his own guitar.

"You excited?" Josh broke the awkwardness that was rising between them. Unsurprising, Joshua never could stand when there was tension in the room. He hated it.

"Yeah, man. For sure..just nervous."

"I get ya, but hey! Don't let that nervousness get to you man. Tell it to wait until after the show." It was a weak attempt at a joke, but that didn't stop Chris from letting out a small breathy laugh. 

"I'll try but it's a bit persistent." Chris continues on with the bit. 

There was a lack of a response, Chris placed his guitar down. "I'm gonna head out man, I'm tired and I need to sleep off my nerves."

"Oh, alright cochise." Josh placed his own down. Getting up to walk Chris out. They kept the instruments there for convenience, they practiced at the Washington house since it was bigger. "Remember to be here early though. We gotta get all our shit to the place."

Chris stretched his arms above his head, yawning in response. A few satisfying cracks came from his stiff back. It brought some sort of joy to him knowing he'll finally sleep. "Wouldn't forget if I tried, man. I set alarms, don't worry about it." The both of them walked closer to the exit together. Chris shrugged on his coat..December wasn't the kindest with the weather. 

"Good..well." Josh offered a small, tired smile. "Good night, man."

"Don't stay up too late." Chris walked out. Waving at his friend as he headed towards his car.

-

"Careful!" 

"I'm trying!" The two Washington siblings bickered back and forth as they ushered their equipment inside the club.

All four of the band members as well as some of the employees of the club helped bring instruments, wiring and such and other necessities inside so they can set it all up.   
The show was a few hours away, still, but they needed to rehearse their set, soundcheck and just overall prepare. 

"Beth! Come help me set up the drums." Sam yells from somewhere up on the stage, Beth immediately rushing over the moment they set the huge box down. Josh lets out an exhausted breath. He probably should set up his own instruments and mic. Some employees were talking with Chris as they set up wiring and speakers. Everything was going good, for the most part.

But Josh just can't rid the burning in his stomach, it made his chest hurt. He's nervous, yes, but there's no reason to be. They've played shows before but each time he feels like something is watching his brain and how it works, he doesn't like it.

The hiss of a can opening snaps him out of his thoughts, he looks up from where he was holding his guitar and sees Chris offering him a beer. A cheshire grin braces his face..

"You read my mind, Cochise." The Washington accepts the can and let's the chill of it run around his hands, cooling him down. Even in the December weather, he felt warm, too warm. His cheeks heated and he was sweating, gross enough. 

Chris smiles in response. He knows he probably shouldn't feed the small fire within Josh that craved alcohol, but these past few weeks, only alcohol can get Josh's nerves untwisted and Chris enjoys a beer himself. He sets his down on the stage and begins tuning and playing around with his guitar. "You stayed up late last night?"

"A few hours after you left, not too late." Chris sighs in response. Maybe he should've rocked Josh to sleep but his nerves are loose too, lately. The space between the two has been tense ever since he and Ashley made themselves official..and it was a dick move on Chris' end. He knew Josh liked him a lot..and the time the two spent alone at night was nothing less than exciting but Chris just..he really liked Ashley, and if it didn't work out between them he wouldn't mind losing her friendship as much as he would mind losing Josh's. Josh hurt in the beginning but he accepted they're better off as friends, too. 

Chris though, he's been growing more annoyed with Josh's feelings, he understands he has to support him but it's draining just thinking about Josh's well-being and not his own. It's not Joshua's fault, no. Chris just worried too much and now everything is tense. 

Josh held his guitar and hummed as his fingers lightly grazed over the strings. His eyes perked up. "Hey man, since we have a few before rehearsal, y'wanna hear something I wrote a while back?"

It was Josh defusing the awkwardness again and Chris was ecstatic. He loved when Josh had new material, it was, for one, an update on how Josh was doing but also a new melody they can add to their setlist for the next show. "Alright, hit me."

Josh shot one last smile, dug his teeth in his lip as he began strumming along with a quicker pace, not fast necessarily, something that held balance.

"I saw myself today.." His voice began soft, not fully singing, but there was a melodic sadness lacing it,

"It's kinda hard to describe..I was ugly." And there it is, the moment where Chris' smile falter along with his mind. He listened though, just like always.

"I saw myself through someone else's eyes." 

He inhales, his voice rising a bit along with his confidence in his strumming.

"My body's weak,  
my mind is sore,  
when I was a thief I though everyone stole."

His voice falters, higher pitched and cracking.

"I think I know who I am." His next verse began, his expression was barely readable, he simply seemed focused.

"That's why I hate myself.." Chris felt a pang in his chest, a finger or so twitches, he just wants to hug his best friend.

"But it's just so hard being anyone else."

He repeats the chorus once more and halts his strumming. 

"It needs a bit of work, I know." Josh concludes with a breathy laugh. 

Chris forces himself to smile. "I like it man." He knows better than to comment on the lyrics..Josh would feel as if he was put on the spot, claim it's nothing, he just liked how the words worked together, the same excuse over and over. It bothered Chris again and again but he's learned just how to help Josh..to listen. Listen to the lyrics and with that he knows Josh's current mind. And with his response, Josh seemed happy, yet disguised it behind the can, taking a long imbibe of his now warmer drink.

"You done, girls?" Chris decides to scamper off to see if he can help anyone with anything. Josh was left on his own, so he just rehearses a few riffs from different songs. 

It'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay that was kinda sad but its just the beginning and a peak into josh's mental state, it'll probably get sadder later but the next few chapters will be the show and then glimpses of washingroe


	3. Westboro Sadness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lead singer of the band catches a few eyes, a pair belonging to our very own Michael Munroe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok big disclaimers  
> the song quoted and used in this chapter is by mccafferty. the singer of the band is an abuser and i refuse to give him support, so if you want to give it a listen just dont stream it please, dont put money in his pockets.
> 
> other than that, the lyrics have mentions of rape and homophobia and substance abuse and usage of slurs, if you are triggered by that please do not read.
> 
> AND theres a few sexual implications around mike in the first few lines of the chapter, nothing graphic just implications of sex so if youre uncomfy please leave  
> and remember 
> 
> DONT STREAM THIS SONG even if its amazing, it means a lot to me but i cannot stream it  
> just illegally download it

The venue was fairly small. A club, a bar on the side, stocked with drinks of any kind. The guy at the front checking everyone seemed a bit old and tired, a sad reminder that not everyone ends up where they want to.

But not to get philosophical. Mike was here to get drunk and listen to some hopefully good music..maybe get a few numbers or some company for the night. A girl underneath him late into the night. The thought alone has him excited. Their small group managed to get fairly close to the front of the stage, not directly next to it. 

Mike felt a tad bit out of place. For one, it seemed the rest of his friends knew some of the music and all of the band members. Secondly, everyone else there sported a bit of a different fashion than him. While Mike was wearing plain blue jeans, a t-shirt and a Letterman jacket, not including the jackets they left at the front since it got fairly warm inside, especially when dozens of warm bodies are jumping around each other, everyone else was wearing varieties of band tees, black jeans, girls in leather skirts and all sorts of alternative clothing, hell even Matthew brought out a Guns'N'Roses shirt, not that he listens to them, and varsity jackets were /his/ thing! 

Mike didn't let it ruin his mood. Hell, bringing home a girl with a short ass leather skirt and some nice makeup would have him way more than just satisfied. He stood out as a jock, yes, but not many people seemed to care..people minded their own. 

They were a tad early, the band hadn't stepped up on the stage yet, a few people walked around on the stage checking things, sound checks, making sure everything was plugged in and no one was crossing the lines pass the stage. Mike didn't wait bored too long, it seemed his friends were a bit too engulfed in conversations between themselves to include Mike, not that he would have trouble making himself a part of one, but he found the bar a bit more appealing. 

"Anyone want anything?"

Only Matt, Jess and Em got a drink, the others deeming it was too early or they wanted to be sober for the event, which Mike found stupid. Alcohol, for him, would make the experience much more pleasurable.

Thankfully for him, the bar was close to them, too. He didn't have to push through /too/ many sweaty bodies to get what he wanted. And the way back to their spot wasn't too unbearable, just harder because of the variety of drinks he was holding. With the drinks handed out, he finally could get a taste of his own. Beer wasn't too high of an alcohol level, yet not too low either, a can or two and Mike will at least be tipsy and that's perfect for him. 

The bitterness lasted for only a moment, and the disgusting taste was rushed away soon after, it invaded his tongue, made everything reek of a certain smell within his mouth and then made it's way straight down, damaging his liver...probably. 

A few swigs down and things felt a bit more alive, he welcomed the looks he got instead of letting them falter his ever-growing confidence. The lights went out, surprising people in the room. It seemed the show was starting, the few cheers and yells emerging from the room were a clear indicator. 

From where Mike was standing he could make out a few figures get on stage and get in their respected positions. 

A loud ringing strum of a guitar, a rhythmic melody began playing in the darkness, a quiet drum accompanied it and in a matter of seconds the lights came back on, cheers surrounded and the music began loud and clear.

In those few moments Mike noticed a few things. He noticed Christopher fucking Hartley, front stage, an electric guitar braced in his arms, he held it with confidence and his fingers moved up and down on the guitar neck as if they had the pattern memorized. It wasn't normal nerdy, dorky and awkward Chris. He wore dark jeans, almost seemed black and he wore a red flannel, sleeves rolled up. He beamed with assurance.

He also noticed Beth Washington. The short haired short petite girl up on stage holding a bass guitar that seemed a bit too heavy for her, yet she held it with a firm grip, her fingers grazed each of the four strings, adding a much-needed beat to the already awesome melody. A little behind her, on the drums sat Samantha Giddings, and her image of a mom-like character with a love for animals and veganism was crushed as she held her lip between her teeth and moved her hands so fast, and in such a great pattern, completing the music.

And Mike wanted to keep his focus on Sam a bit more..but in front of her stood the first thing he noticed the moment the lights flickered on.

A guy..no that's too simple to put it. It was Joshua Washington../the/ Joshua Washington. The one whose name holds dozens of rumors and hundreds of stories. His name held a prominence in the crowds Mike hung around with..and finally he could put a face to that prominence. And what a face it was..

His dark hair complemented his tan skin and the mixture of gray-green-blue in his eyes, that even in the still dimly lit area Mike made out, felt enticing, his eyes seemed sunken, features overall. Big doe eyes, plump lips and angular jaw had something within Mike's chest feel warm. 

Now it may seem like Mike is /swooning/ over the guy..but he's really not. He can admit when someone is attractive and Josh's girlish lips and eyes definitely were attractive. But of course, like every gay romance saga..Mike is unfortunately straight. And he halted his thoughts the moment it got a bit warm..

That is until the singer, who held a guitar of his own, which he accompanied Chris with, opened his mouth and began, aggressively and confidently shouting in the mic.

"Cross my heart and hope to die, I lose my virginity here tonight!"

His eyes shut the moment he began singing, and it was getting harder to focus when the crowd around him began shouting and pushing and dancing. He glances to his side, his friends jumping and dancing along with the crowd, and Mike rather leave than be seen as a loser. So he begins nodding his head along and getting into the beat, ignoring his thoughts that pulled him to look at Joshua, it's just the alcohol.

"Don't you get it? I'm desperate, it's time,  
and if you don't love me that's totally fucking fine!"

It was a bit hard to focus on the lyrics of the song..Mike wasn't a music guy, never looked into songs, if he liked it, he liked it for the beat..but the intensity the guy put into just the first few lines of the song coaxed him to listen, and the people singing along helped decipher it. He nodded his head intensely every time he got a break from singing.

"She said  
I'm the consequences of my actions but I did it anyway..  
You know that football players always get away with rape!" 

Ouch..surely if Matt made out that line he wouldn't be too happy about it, but the guy was hopping around without a care in the world. Mike was getting a bit warmer and he wasn't sure if it was the people rubbing around him anymore.

He couldn't take his eyes off the stage.

"Look at me? Well fucking look at you, with all your substance abuse,  
Don't post shit online like you know what the fuck you're talking about!"

The last line felt as if words that someone else has said to Joshua, with the way he added a small whining to his voice.

For the chorus, Chris leaned in the mic.

"Like cool, alright, c-cool, alright-" then both at the same time let out a exasperated "-I'm fine!"  
and again-  
"Cool, alright, c-cool, alright, I'm good!  
Cool, alright, c-cool, alright, I'm fine!  
Cool, alright, c-cool, alright"

Each time Chris chimed it at random parts, and while his voice was noticeable, it was outshined by Josh's pure enthusiasm and overall emotion.

Josh leaned away from the mic, jumping around and playing along as a small vocal break came into light. He moved with gusto, with such vigor, it would be disrespectful if Mike looked away.

"If you want dramatic? Then I'll give you dramatic   
In high school, hid in the closet then I died in the attic,  
and then the bullies all found me, they called me a maggot..

They said that boys don't play with dolls,  
saw you at the mall, you better stand up tall,   
I know just how you fall,  
It takes a different kind to satisfy my type,  
that doesn't make me wrong, doesn't make you right!"

Now Mike felt /really/ out of place. He felt his chest tighten, he wasn't meant to hear this..when Josh is clearly talking about something he held deeply and Mike felt wrong understanding it. He felt as if he's the guy Josh sang about..well of course he's never been the one to tease Josh in specific for his sexuality but he's made comments in the past that pang his chest with guilt to this day. He has teased guys for being feminine for the sake of his reputation and the way the singer replaced 'faggot' with 'maggot' just made Mike's guilt rise. A word he's used carelessly, he sees the impact it's made, with just how broken Josh's voice got.

Volume rises and Chris and Josh take over the chorus yet again. With every 'alright', Joshua's shouting got louder, his voice strained more and more and it cracked which added to the emotion.

They scream the last of the song in the song into the mic and cheering came from all around him. Mike cheered along, discarding the now finished can of beer somewhere in the near distance. He needs to stop being so weird. Why did he even feel guilty? 

It's not as if he's personally been the reason Josh wrote a song he sounded so hurt singing. 

He let's the alcohol settle as another guitar riff began right after, just as aggressive. The night was long and Mike's already not feeling like himself. He hears Ashley's voice shouting something at Chris, he notices how close Matt was standing next to Hannah, protecting her from the forceful bodies clashing around them, how Em seemed a bit too out of place while keeping up with Jessica's excited jumping and dancing, or how Beth danced herself over in front of the drum set and both her and Sam exchanged these wild looks to each other and Mike feels...warmer and warmer..and warmer. 

He decides his hyperfixation isn't doing him good so he focuses on Joshua's singing but it doesn't help him out.

See, Josh was a fairly small guy, petite. He wore this tank that covered his shoulders but revealed both sides because how deeply the holes where the sleeves are were cut. It was large and hung loosely around him. To go along he wore absolutely shredded black jeans. Not cut around the knees, no. The holes on the knees were the biggest, but the pants did little to hide. They were tight-fitted, too, they left little to the imagination, especially when Josh turned around to dance a bit. How hoarse his voice got when he wasn't aggressively shouting, or even as he passionately yelled his mind into the mic. How he moved around his hands to the neck of the guitar. How sweat dripped down his forehead and made his tan skin shimmer in the bright artificial lights. 

No, this wouldn't do. Mike isn't attracted to him, at all. But the guy is simply fascinating..how come for someone with such a big personality, even if just on stage, Mike hadn't met him before. Maybe, just maybe the tightness in his stomach is because he so desperately wants a friendship to blossom between the two.

Either way, this isn't what he came for, he scampers deeper in the crowd, to find someone to take his mind away from what's happening, it wouldn't be too hard for him. He settles for a few more drinks first.

Josh's voice ringing through the room, the harshness of the drums shaking the ground underneath him. He needs to fix himself, pronto.


	4. Self Esteem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is self esteem by ajj! check it out
> 
> anyway this chapter is horrible and it took like 3 days to do cause i was so unmotivated but,,,its kinda filler so whatever

Mike wants to stay focused.

He does, but when the music rings in his ear and he hears the straining of the singer's voice he can't keep up with the conversation he was having with the girl in front.

He already forgot her name, names aren't important currently..and he was growing irritable. 

She's into him, obviously..and the irritation inside of him acted with no approval and cut her off mid-sentence by pressing his lips onto hers. It's crowded, the clothes he's wearing are itchy and sweaty and the music keeps shaking him to the core. He knows it's not the place to be making out, but he's made his way to the back where not many people were moving, the outskirts where people just sat and drank. 

His mind wanders back to the singing...again. He's pissed off. He listens on as a new song began playing.

"This place has taken all my self-esteem,"

-the instrumental is aggressive and Joshua's voice sounded so wounded..

"and everybody is afraid of me,  
and I can't make eye contact with anyone I see,  
this place has taken all my self-esteem!"

His game is faltering, he can't keep up with the girl..so he grows more aggressive, slipping his tongue through the clashing of their teeth. She tastes like pure beer, and maybe he's just tasting it on himself but it bothered him way more than it should've. 

"And everybody is afraid of me,  
and I'm afraid to go out on the streets,  
reminders of my failure everywhere that I will be,  
everybody is afraid of me!

And people freak me out,  
people make me scared,  
people make me so damn self-aware!"

His words puncture through Mike's heart. He doesn't want to listen anymore..why is he so bothered by the music? Why is he so bothered by the singer, by the scene..? 

"I get bronchitis twice a year at least," A little breathless wheeze came from Josh, Mike heard it, he did. He thinks the line is funny, and it makes Mike's nerves uneasy.

"My lungs aren't the way they should be,  
and I smoke more than a motherfucking chimney,  
I declare war on my body!

And I am a liar and I am a thief,  
taking things from those better than me,  
pathetic little man with some pathetic little dream,  
I hope you can all forgive me.."

The song ends there...just like that. Mike pulls away and rushes into the crowd. A need to find his friends, a need to tell them he's leaving. He pushes through but then the voice over the Mike began again.

"I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight.."

A small amount of "awws" and "boos" braced from around Mike. He stands behind Matt, just listening in.

"Thank you, everyone, for comin' out tonight, to listen and to.." He's out of breath, he runs his hand through his forehead, wiping off some of the sweat. "to fucking party!" Cheering, again. 

"I hope to see some of you for the next show! Goodbye!" He leans away from the mic and turns around, his sister, Beth grabbing his attention, a small conversation begins between the two of them, the room began clearing, people leaving and pushing through.

"Oh, Mike! Thought you left for a sec," Matt turns to face him.

"No, I'm here..just felt a lil sick so I stepped outside.." Mike makes up a random excuse. He doesn't feel like himself. Matt just offers him a smile, from behind he sees Hannah and Ashley near the stage. 

"Good, cause we're heading out for dinner with the band." Mike's eyes widen.

"Bro, no, I can't I-"

"Awe, come on, man! It'll be fun, just at some random fast food place."

"We're all sweaty and gross-"

"So? It's cold outside, we'll cool down." Jess chimes in.

Mike stops protesting, food sounds great..and there's something in him that really wants to see how Joshua is off stage.

"Is Josh gonna be there?" Both Jess and Matt shoot him a confused look, he doesn't blame them, they know he doesn't even /know/ Josh.

"Well, yeah, duh." Mike nods and turns around, seeing more and more people leave..soon it'll just be them.

"Matt, Mike! Come help em' out!" Hannah yells, grabbing both of their attention, Josh isn't on the stage anymore, but it seems the band is packing up their instruments. Sam is taking apart the drum set, Mike gets up and helps Chris with the wiring. 

"Hey man, thanks for coming to the show." Chris offers a small smile. Mike returns it.

"I honestly didn't take you as a concert type." The blonde laughs and unplugs everything, Mike is helping him lift the sound equipment after it's all safe to carry.

"Well I'm not, but I had nothing better to do anyway." Chris nods.

"You need any help Chris?" From behind, a voice calls out, when he turns it's Joshua. A towel around his neck, a small smirk-like smile bracing him. Mike's chest tightens.

Why is he so nervous?!

"Nah man, Mike is helping me out." And that's when their eyes meet. 

"Oh, you're Mike?" The way it was worded..emphasized..it made Mike feel as if Josh is somehow disappointed, not what he expected, like Mike is smaller, uglier, weaker than what is expected from him. 

"Uh, yeah..yeah man I am." Mike awkwardly shifts from one leg to the other.

"You're taller than I expected..I'm Josh." Mike stares. Confused, relieved and for unreasonably happy. His smile graces wide and proud, even let's out a small laugh.

Mike turns to pick up the heavy sound system while Chris packs up wires upon wires. "You sure you don't need help, tough boy?" He can feel Joshua's eyes burn into the back of his skull, and though Mike is struggling a tad bit, it's nothing he can't handle.

"Nope, it's all under control." In front of him, Matt is carrying the speakers.

There's a car in front where they pack up everything. And after a few back and forths, it seemed as if everything was packed. 

The band drove with two cars, Hannah, Matt and Mike in another, and Ashley, Emily and Jessica in yet another. 

The group of teens had decided on a small fast food restaurant that worked late. The absolute look of despair on the teenage worker's face would've been comedic if it weren't for the knowledge that the poor guy was probably tired and has been dealing with assholes and entitlement the entire day..it was like a silent vow between them to be at least slightly tolerable. They settled in the largest booth available, and even so they had to pull up a couple of extra seats from neighboring tables. 

"The show was amazing!" Ashley pipes up in an attempt to begin a conversation, and teenagers their age were easy to make conversations with. 

"Thank you." Sam was the one who accepted the compliment, a composed smile gracing her face. It wasn't long before conversations came and went, they ordered and chatted away.

Mike kept looking over at Josh, he was seated between Chris and Beth, silently keeping up with conversations, he seemed so aware..

"So, Josh, have you picked your major yet?" Mike tried to find out more about the young singer. Josh was a year older than everyone else on the table, that much he knew. Apart from the words said about his personality, Mike hasn't heard much on his personal life.

"Nah, man. I dropped out earlier this year. I don't think college is for me. But I was going for psychology." It seemed their one-on-one conversation wasn't heard from many on the table. The group chatted in separate groups of two or three. Mike nodded, yet his expression was indicating he was a bit confused.

"I thought you had your eyes on music? Or I've heard you like film..like your dad?" Of course, the son of a movie mogul would have an interest in film, that much is expected, but why he wasn't pursuing it when he basically has a guaranteed future in it was a bit off-putting.

"I dropped out to pursue music. I felt..a bit pressured into film, y'know? Of course I love creating movies and putting out my creativity in film form but I didn't feel like going after my dad's footsteps, making mediocre movies that people eat up, knocking up a young woman and having three kids..it's not my style." Josh has a small smile as he spoke, his voice was melodic, he spoke slow, even stammered here and there. His distaste for his father's production intrigued Mike.

"Mediocre movies? I don't think he would've earned millions if they were mediocre." Mike's tone was playful, even bracing a side-smile to match. Josh responded with a small chuckle. 

"A majority of people like anything that has a single element of what is considered good. Cast a few good actors, talk to the right sponsors and leave it to the people's mob mentality to do the rest. If a thousand people like it, then others would fail to disagree and just agree that it's amazing. The old man lacks creativity, nothing stands out to me..Maybe I'm just biased since I've learned to be his biggest critic, he's a very easy person to critique." 

Mike wants to dig deeper. Why was Josh so ill-spoken on his dad..why does he care so much about creativity and why does he sound so smart when talking about it? It made Mike feel a little dumb to be sat across from him. No way /this/ is the Joshua he's heard things about. The Joshua he's heard things about makes jokes about fingering, sex and has the mentality of a 5 year old...of course those are just things he's heard along with derogatory slurs on his sexuality, which was kinda out of line in Mike's opinion. He never said anything to them of course..he'd be faced with a variety of

"Why, are you a fag too?", "Why are you standing up for him?", "Why do you care?" 

And they wouldn't be wrong..why would he care? It's not him they're talking about...but sitting here now, seeing the guy in the eyes he couldn't help but feel guilty.

"Then why don't you make something that's extraordinary? Something genius?"

There was something cynical in Josh's smile now. Mike grinned back, not backing down.

"I'm still young. I wanna mess around with other stuff first..be a dirtbag, an asshole. Y'know?"

"You don't seem like an asshole to me."

"You just met me, dude. Plus, I don't want you to think of me as an ass right off the bat."

Mike pursed his lips, so it has been an act, but his interest doesn't falter. A yawn comes from Josh, probably tired from the hectic nights. His arm loops around Chris' shoulder, a smile there when the blonde guy turned to face him.

Mike thought, for a moment that they might be romantically involved if it wasn't for the redheaded girl sitting beside Josh. A few words were exchanged between the two and then Josh turned towards the rest of the table. In his hand he held car keys.

"It was great seeing all of you, but I gotta get my ass to bed, have a nice night, pornstars." The singer stood up and shuffled beside the people. 

"You takin' Chris' car?"

"Yup, he's gonna drive with Ash..ah by the way, make sure you two use condoms." That comment earned him a glare from Ashley and Chris threw his straw at him.

"Gross, we're in the car too y'know!" Jess complained from a different side of the table. Mike's eyes kept fixated on Josh as he left the building.

"What an ass." Chris comments.

"Ya really think so?" Mike turns back to the guy. 

Chris is a bit confused at first but just shrugs his shoulders. "He can be, for sure..but his heart is golden."

That statement stuck with Mike.


	5. The Man Who Sold The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song is the man who sold the world by David Bowie (or if u prefer) Nirvana
> 
> also referenced are San Cristobal and I Got Drunk by Mal Blum (they'll come in v important later)
> 
> Mike visits the Washington house alongside Matt.

For the following few weeks, the group gathered up a fair amount. It was Mike, Matt, Jessica, Emily, Chris, Ash, Hannah, Sam and Beth, but seemed like something was missing. That something being the 5'8", dark haired, green eyed asshole whose voice cheered up the room. They asked Josh to hang out, but he'd turn it down..which his sisters found strange since usually he went out a fair amount...but either way at some point they'd stop inviting him altogether.

That kinda disappointed Mike..he was fairly interested in Josh and his shenanigans..not in a weird way. He just thought that hanging out with Josh would be fun, he radiated that type of energy and ever since the fast food place they haven't seen much of each other. Followed each other on social media..but that's about it. 

Mike's phone lights up..a message from Matt.

from Matthew Taylor: hey dude, Chris asked Ash if the group wanted to go to their rehearsal tonite??? its at han's house

from Mike M.: i guess,what time?

from Matthew Taylor: in like 2-3h

from Mike M.: yeah ok, u need me to pick u up?

from Matthew Taylor: if that ok with u

With that his plans for the night were set..come to think of it, he's only been to the Washington residence once before, a year or so back. He doesn't remember much of it, just how shitfaced drunk he was, they'd only stopped by so Hannah could get stuff, but now they're gonna go to..a private concert of sorts.

What was strange, Mike felt nervous for the first time..

-

Time flew by, which was common when waiting, he managed to squeeze in a few games on his console, washed up, got a pair of sweatpants, a t-shirt and a flannel and got ready. Making sure to lock up his apartment, knowing his roommate would beat his ass if he left it unlocked again, a story for another day. The trip to Matt's was 5 minutes, and another 16 to the Washington's, so he connects his phone to the radio and plays a random playlist.

When Matt came in the car, he commented and made a joke about the music choice, "this isn't very punk rock of you", earning a scolding from Mike, who sounded a bit too offended when explaining that he never claimed he's punk rock, only went to one to two shows, blah blah. Their bickering was about as long as the drive, which, be it, Mike sped a bit so they got there a tad bit early. Hannah opened the door, and led them to a big room that was similar to a studio. Inside, the band was chatting among themselves and messing with their instruments, pitching and toning. Chris and Sam went to greet the newcomers. 

Ashley informed the group that Emily and Jess won't be attending their little rendezvous because the two decided to spend the day together, a date or something.

Michael was very happy for the two, admittedly it wasn't always like that, it had taken a bit of time to repair his ego, which was a bit damaged after finding out about the two of them..knowing that both of them were happier with each other than they were with him had a bit of a toll, Mike even doubted his skills in dating..maybe the whole commitment issues thing was right, and he accepts it but it doesn't sting less. He knows the chances of the breaking up would be low since both times he was the one to either cheat multiple times or act like a dick. And maybe his group of friends claiming he turned them gay had a big toll on his ego, too.

But he's a bit more grown now, he hopes. And he can say, truthfully, that he's happy both of them found solace in each other and he's moved on. 

"Alright, well if we aren't waiting for anyone I wanna start our warm up," Josh piped up, sat on a beanbag in the corner of the room, he was holding an acoustic, everyone turned to him. "Let's play something by another band first and then do a new song." 

His suggestion, by the other's reactions, was widely agreed upon.

"I'll grab snacks and drinks." Hannah left the room with that much said and the band took their respected spots. 

Honestly, Mike never saw Sam as a drummer, honestly he thought she'd end up a vet, and fair enough, she was attending school to be a veterinarian, but a drummer was a whole different gig. From what he remembers, she was amazing at the show.

"Man who sold the world." Josh threw out, not a much of a suggestion but a decision. "S' that okay?" He asked, more of an afterthought, but the rest of the group agreed nonetheless.

Mike and Matt had settled down by then, seated in beanbags across the band, not interfering because that would just make them out as assholes.

Josh clears his throat and begins strumming. The first chords were easily recognizable. The combination of the A chord, Dm chord and B chord was the beginning to a song most people their age knew.

Chris joined as chords progressed and it set the tune and speed, Beth and Sam joined close after.

"We passed upon the stairs,"

Now that made something inside Mike feel full. The voice he heard so loud and mighty at the show, the voice he's thought about an embarrassing amount. He really liked the way Josh sung, and he wasn't as ashamed to admit it. This song was slower and showed the band's reach and skill, Mike might not be a musician but he knows good music when he hears it.

"We spoke of was and when,  
Although I wasn't there  
He said I was his friend,  
Which came as a surprise..  
I spoke into his eyes  
I thought you died alone  
A long long time ago."

Like before, there was a certain sadness interlacing with Josh's words, a deeper hole inside the face he was holding, the way his brows pitched closer, his fingers moving even as his eyes were shut close, it seemed he'd practiced this song a fair bit.

"Oh no, not me,  
We never lost control  
You're face to face  
With the man who sold the world"

He strummed the strings with a bit more vigor during the chorus, his voice louder and more confident. The same riff line followed and Mike could only stare in awe. Hannah had returned quietly and settled next to Matt, well on top of Matt..made Mike feel kinda lonely, especially with the song. She settled a few packs of beer down in a plastic bag, but Mike didn't want alcohol in his system yet, so he sat and watched.

"I laughed and shook his hand,  
And made my way back home,  
I searched for foreign land  
For years and years I roamed..  
I gazed a gazeless stare  
We walked a million hills  
I must have died alone  
A long, long time ago.."

His voice was deeper than back at the concert, to show off his vocal range..an arrogant asshole, Mike thought. The way he opened his eyes, rolling them in a slow manner, tilting his head to the beat just made something inside Mike warm..not the good warm, he thinks. Angry? Why would he be angry? Mike knows he's arrogant himself, so why is he bothered by it here? Why did it feel like something was threatening Mike when it came to Josh. On one end he wants to get closer but on the other hand something about the singer ignites anger in Mike...but why?

"Who knows? Not me  
I never lost control  
You're face to face  
With the man who sold the world

Who knows? Not me  
We never lost control  
You're face to face  
With the man who sold the world..."

He finishes his lines, and they carry the rest of the song's instrumentals out. Hannah is the first to clap and the two of them right after. Hannah was so supportive of her siblings it was endearing. Mike took the chance to take a good, sober look at Josh. His last few chord lines were played while he had a smirk on his face. One of those "yeah, I know that sounded amazing" kind of smirks. Michael let out a breath he hadn't realized to be holding.

"That was dope, guys." Matt let out a praise..huh, as if that bonehead even realized a deeper meaning behind the song. 

"Thanks, Josh loves Bowie. His biiiigest inspiration." Beth's half-sarcastic half-sweet voice was heard from his right. 

"Hey, don't make claims like that," Josh had a playful pout. "There's allegations he diddled with kids, I'm not that kind of man, Bethany."

That earned a few chuckles. Even caused Mike to smile.

"I'm a Freddie Mercury kind of guy." He proclaimed, a pearly wide smile bracing among his features. 

"Jesus, Josh. Just say you're gay and go." Sam rolls her eyes, this produces another fit of immature giggles.

"Alright, I was thinking of a few tunes a few days ago and wrote some things for them, was hoping you guys can give me your opinions."

Josh looked around the room, a few 'alright's and 'sounds good's came from different sides. Chris seemed a bit...afraid? Shocked? Something ran through his mind for sure..

Now inside Chris' mind, he was worried..concerned? One of the two, both? He doesn't know. Josh, when he has something that's a work in progress, he's always showed Chris first, no one else, just the two. Maybe it was an ego bruiser, did Chris not understand Josh anymore? Was he looking for someone new to listen to him? He never did this before..but maybe it wasn't a big deal..Chris is blowing things out of proportion..yeah..but it just isn't fair. 

"Okay, well, this first one..I don't have a name for it but," Josh paused to think. "I think I like it."

He begins a soft, yet fast tune and finds a beat to follow. 

"I saw my fortune scrawled up against a wall.."

His voice is..small? Is that a way to describe it? He just sounds so different than the man who sung a David Bowie song in such a way that it was debatable if the original was better or worse but now he sounded weaker..vulnerable. Mike was confused now.

Chris knew why though..Josh was never confident in showing things off..well, Josh wasn't confident, period. But usually he had this big ego, and faux confidence he wore as his pride..but whenever he wanted to show off something new..everything was a bit clearer. He would ask Chris for his /honest/ opinion, sugar coating was a big no-no. And Josh always knew when people were being fake with him. He hated it. If someone didn't like him, he wants them to say it. It's how he picked the bad apples off. Maybe..he was testing the new group they've gathered if they could be trusted. Yeah..it was most definitely that, Josh would never replace him.

"In a marketplace, in a town which I can't recall.  
And the teller told me that I would be young and I would fall  
And my new friends all assured me that it all was surely false"

He strummed a few times along the beat when he paused. He tried reading the room, Chris tried reading between the lines. 

"I actually really like the beat, I think I can implement some flavor to the beat." Sam piped up first, she was usually the most critical of what they played, so her words were to be trusted in Josh's mind. 

"I think it's cool but I gotta think where a baseline could be implemented." Beth agrees, Josh turns to his little sister with a cocky smile. "You won't erase my spotlight, big bro."

"Well, we're not music geniuses so we can't give technical advice buuut," Hannah looked through the bag and pulled out a pack of beer. "I like it, never fail to amaze me." She was always the most supportive of her siblings' dreams. Although Josh wished for criticism more often from her, it was nice having someone to always support him.

"Yeah, man. I think your voice sounds cool during it." Matt gave in his two cents, and maybe Josh was much more critical towards Matt, since protective older brother instincts but he thanks the guy anyway.

"I like the way you rhymed some of the words, you have nice rhythm." Ashley chimes in.

It's just Chris and Mike now.

Mike feels a pressure on his chest. He waited an appropriate time to see if Chris would say something but when he doesn't he goes into his speaking skills. A natural born charmer will not embarrass himself. So he takes in the lyrics, the thing that stood out to Mike in the first place, and Ashley's words to form his sentence.

"Well I don't know much about music and writing lyrics but I like it a lot," Josh had suspicion in his eyes as Mike spoke. "However, even if Ashley was right on the rhyming, I think maybe you could add something more in certain spots. Like the part about the marketplace? You could describe it, like I don't know..like a crowded marketplace?"

Everyone was a bit confused at Mike's words, he scrambles to get something out. "So instead of 'in a marketplace in a town which I can't recall' maybe something like 'in a crowded marketplace in a town I can't recall', I don't know, maybe it'll fit the beat better."

The glares from all around him made him feel awkward, yeah, he did make up any excuse to catch Josh's attention, and yeah, he had no idea what the hell he even said or suggested but the looks they gave him weren't helping. He tried to seem confident in what he said, so he didn't falter.

"Jeez Mike, never knew you were such a music wiz." Ashley joked, but Mike felt the venom nonetheless.

But before more words criticizing Mike's criticism, Josh spoke from where he was sitting. 

"I like that. Thanks, man." 

Mike let out a breath and smiled back at Josh. 

Chris didn't say anything and he didn't feel the need to. But he knew how genuine Josh was with the gratitude, any sort of criticism humbles him when he feels he needs it, when he feels his ego was getting a bit too bloated.

"Yeah, no problem, man." Chris would be lying if he didn't feel threatened by Mike's presence. Chris sensed Josh had some kind of curiosity about the guy, but he can't manage to lose being Josh's mental support, he can't stray from their friendship when he gave up the chance of being with him for it. Either way he payed close attention to Josh now.

"Aaaalright, the next one I called..I got drunk." Josh let out a breathless laugh and positioned his fingers. "I have more written on it."

He began playing an up-beat tune, about the same pace as before.

"I got drunk last night,  
And the night before."

His voice was more stable now, as if he developed more of the song and he's more confident playing..

"And tonight I'm gonna get drunk some more,  
It's just so hard when there is nothing else to do  
It's just so easy when there's nothing else to lose."

There it is..that underlying sadness that his words carried, that thing that messed with Mike's feelings, and he doesn't know why. But he hates that he feels the sadness from the words inside his own mind. Even in such a tune he manages to portray it so clearly.

"I've got to move  
I've got the blues  
I've got some bruises, I don't know where they come from..

I've got to move  
I've got the blues  
I've got to drink 'til I am dead or I am numb."

His voice cracks towards the end and his strumming falters, panic rises in Chris' chest...Josh will dwell on it for a while, a simple mistake but he'd drink himself to sleep when they leave.

"Yeah, sorry, I don't know how I can continue it." Josh shrugs his shoulders and sinks in his seat.

"I loved it, a lot." This time Mike speaks first, and Josh looks up to meet his eyes and smile. 

Usually he'd think he's being treated like a kid..taking his first steps but now..it felt a bit different. Was it the realness in Mike's tone? Whatever it was, Josh wanted it. It was a cue of praises from the group until Josh cut them off asking for a beer.

"Living up to the lyrics?" Hannah joked around as she took out a drink for her brother. Josh's smile soured a bit, but he managed to pull it off as a smirk.

"Wouldn't write em' if they weren't true, would I?"

And as playful as the tone was...those few words struck a nerve inside Mike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of forgot to finish this up, but i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. still, i want to post something, as a distraction to people whos mental healths been going down because of the virus but also to ask of those who read this mediocre thing to donate and sign petitions to do with blm and the things happening in the usa.
> 
> its not a time to be silent *cough* rami malek *cough* and even if a single person reads this note and signs a petition id be happy. 
> 
> thank you for reading and fuck cops (not literally)!


	6. Leech Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW, homophobic slurs (but they're not malicious)  
> Josh and Chris have a talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Leech boy by crywank
> 
> im unsure of this chapter and i really dont like writing these super sad depressed characters because i just feel like its overdone but i think this is fairly canon that josh doesnt like speaking on his feelings
> 
> anyway, next chapter we officially have some washingroe one-on-one, woO!
> 
> also, not-so-fun fun fact, crywank also have a song named memento mori,,,,i wonder what the first chapter of until dawn was called,,,,,,hmmm

"Listen to this." 

Chris did, as always. The silence was deafening, after everyone, but Josh and Chris left, Josh has been quiet..it was new. Josh was loud, Josh was present, rowdy, boisterous..but now he's not..and Chris just wants his loud best friend back.

Josh looked at his fingers and then..one, two testing strums he begins fully playing. Chris follows the movement, seeing through every chord, every finger position..every detail. He used four chords.

G, C, Em and D

In various pattern lines. 

Chris waited for the lyrics to come but they didn't. 

No lyrics, no singing..the music stopped.

"You don't got lyrics for it?" Was the first question Chris asked. Josh had a smile, small and timid.

"No, I do. Just don't think they're ready."

Chris shouldn't panic, it was a simple response, but...it was different, a change.

"So? You always show me what you got even if it's not finished.." He tried so hard to not sound accusatory but he did sound wounded. Josh lifted his shoulders and smiled.

"I do, don't I?"

"Did I do something to upset you?" It was a quick, bold accusation but it's been eating at Chris' mind for a few weeks straight, he can't bottle it up anymore. He knows he's been distant with Josh, and ignoring his issues and..problems but Chris was so tired..so tired. He wanted to feel a bit free from constantly checking up on Josh..but he was wrong for blaming Josh for it. Josh didn't ask to be pampered, contrary, Josh hated being pampered, he never asked for Chris to check on him and never once purposefully made Chris feel as if he hurt him.

"Wh..What?" Josh's gray mixture eyes held shock, the way his eyebrows lifted up and his pupils widened. 

"I don't know man, you just have basically put me and the band on blast and only ever talk to us when it's about music and new lyrics and you never wanna hang out and now you won't even show me your new lyrics? Like, earlier everyone was there and you showed everyone but it's been our thing, you show me first and-"

"Woah woah, Cochise, calm down! I'm not upset at you-"

Before Josh could even finish, Chris spilled more of his mind out. "Then what is it, Josh? I feel worried for you man!" His voice was louder than it should have been..it was harsher, and Chris, as much as he regrets it he doesn't back away.

"Hey man, calm the fuck down, why are you trying to argue with me? I can explain." Josh physically shrunk down...being yelled at wasn't his favorite thing, but of course Chris knew that.

"Alright."

"Alright," Josh chews the inside of his cheek, he seems saddened, he seems so small. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry, man. I didn't want you to feel like I'm mad at you." Josh began, holding his hand up before Chris could manage a word out. 

"It's nothing you did, I just decided to distance myself out..I felt-" He pauses his words, looking around the room. Why was he always so afraid to speak on his actual feelings? Why can't he just say what his heart screams? "I felt like I was burdening you, and..y'know...the band." His words were so quiet, Chris' heart cracks.

"Why woul-"

"Let me finish, man." Josh stops him again. He can do this. "I know you're frustrated, man. I know you don't wanna be dealing with my shit with me, and I thought.." A deep breath, more thinking. "I thought if telling you not to bother won't work, maybe closing away from you would."

"Josh why would you-"

"Chris! I'm not dumb, man!" Josh finally breaks. "I know you feel like I'm not making progress with my life and I know you get frustrated with dealing with me. I have eyes Chris, but I don't want you to feel like you have to. And this is how I want to live my life. If you're not gonna stop forcing yourself to be in my corner, then I'll push you away myself! I'm tired of feeling like a leech, man!" His gray-green eyes crystallize as tears pool up in them. Glossed over and ready to fall. Chris shut up immediately.

"I know I seek validation in stupid ways, I know my sisters hate dealing with it, I know my parents don't wanna deal with me, I know that you don't want to deal with it! I just thought.." Finally, a tear strays away down his cheek. "I just thought..now that there's more people, it would be easier for you to hang out with them and just forget about my problems, to get more time with Ashley.."

If you looked at the small picture in front, Josh seemed manipulative, but Josh never said shit like this, once in a blue moon. That's why Chris /didn't/ know what to do..what to say. Josh was set in stone that Chris only stuck by him because he felt as if he had to, as if his sisters had to.

"Josh." Chris calls out, but Josh's palms were pressing against his eyes, desperately trying to push back and wipe away his tears. "Josh look at me." He would call on the only thing he knew. "If you don't want me to push subjects, I won't, you know that. But..if this is where you draw the line..let me hear the lyrics..just once more."

Josh sat slumped over, shaky sobs escaped for a few more seconds, before he tried to steady his breathing..he felt gross, weak, letting it all out in Chris when he just wanted Chris to feel like everything was going great. "Josh, I don't want you to feel like I'm forcing myself to be here, I...really care about you, man. I know I've fucked up but, I just want to help fix shit."

Josh didn't respond to him. He picked up his guitar back up and lined up. He didn't test anything, he went for those four chords. It was slow..it was calm. Though the chord progressions were fast, the tune was so calm. Josh would say it's a part of his charm..

"I feel like a leech to everyone around me."

That first line hit like a brick. They usually did..but something about how hoarse his voice is after crying, how quiet and unsure it was..it hurt but so much more.

"Unsure and false promises I make,  
I invade your existence with my dependence,  
And leave you guilt tripped until you take care of me,  
for If not I will surely die.  
I don’t feed or clean myself and I am always high,  
Putting pipe dreams before the necessities in life  
Without your help I have no hope to survive.."

He paused there, Chris would think it was the end but after a sniff or two, a breath or three, Josh started up again.

"Now I know that sounds pathetic,  
That’s because that’s what I am,  
So open about my flaws,  
But it’s all part of my plan  
For if I can recognize my flaws  
You’ll assume I’m trying to change.."

A tear falls down again, Josh purses his brows in frustration..Chris sat and listened.

"But I am lazy and disheartened,  
And I know I will remain the same..  
Taking all you can give me trying to live in excess  
You know you’ll make my life much easier,   
I’ll make your life a mess."

Josh smiles a little, his voice changing a bit for the next line.

"Squirm away stupid leech boy,  
go and die now in the drain.  
You speak only of your sadness..but are yet to feel true pain"

Chris knows those two lines were what Josh thinks of himself..hell the whole song is..but those two, it was him speaking directly to himself.

"As I get older I also worsen  
I used to be a better person  
Growing into a constant burden  
Introducing man child."

The chorus was plain and simple. But the details were important, as always. Chris knows he would be analyzing every single syllable later. He ends it there. Maybe he'll finish it. It's always a maybe.

The silence was too irritating, it itched at the skin. Chris lifts himself up and goes to get Josh. He takes the instrument from him and places it on the ground. He kneels down so he can be eye-to-eye with Josh. One glance into his eyes, he pulls his friend in and embraces him.

And Josh didn't want to, he couldn't let himself be so weak but he collapsed in Chris' arms. Let's tears pool out and soak into Chris' shirt..he felt gross, why wasn't his best friend grossed out? Why does he attach himself like this? He doesn't want Chris to hurt because of him..he doesn't want to cause pain to those he loves and needs.

So they sat there, tears stopped and they sat there, shuffling from one position to the other. And this would look so strange to so many..the fact that two guys aren't able to care for each other in this society without being called names was upsetting, but it never had a toll on their friendship. 

"You were totally jealous of that Mike dude." Josh broke the silence after an hour of pure nothing. Of course he teased Chris as a way to break the ice.

"What?!" Chris sits up, Josh now meeting his eyes. 

"You were totally jealous, Cochise! Cause he told me what to do with the lyrics!" Josh has the brightest, cockiest grin now. What a change.

"I was not! I just think you would've came to that change yourself." Chris covers up his tracks quickly, returning a crooked smile.

"Sure," Josh pries away from Chris, getting back up on his feet. "Didn't expect that from him though, he gives big 'no homo' vibes." The dark haired boy stretches his arms above his head, moving his stiffened spine.

"Yeah, he does. Mostly 'cause of the guys he hangs out," Chris agrees, seeing as Josh's subtle smile faltered a tad. "But apparently his biggest fault is relationships, so I wouldn't be so worried."

"Bro, I feel like any moment he'd push me to the ground and call me a fag." Josh lets out a laugh. "I don't know, Cochise, their entire frat house could gang up on me." 

"Hey now, you don't know the guy, give em' a chance." Chris takes his glasses and uses his sleeve to clean them off.

"Sure." A sarcastic response. Josh reaches for his pocket and takes out a half-full pack of cigarettes. Marlboros. Chris frowns. His eyes stay focused as Josh picks one out and places it between his lips, tapping his pockets for a lighter.

"I don't know, man. He's called me a nerd a few times but it wasn't really malicious." Chris shrugs and looks around for his things, he hears a few clicks of a lighter from behind. 

"You're going?" Josh asks after inhaling.

"Yeah, gotta go to the shelter pretty early tomorrow." 

"Oh, I'll pass by, I'll drop some food off." Both the guys head out from the room and down the halls to the front door. 

"Thanks man. The place would've gone to bankruptcy if it weren't for your donations."

"Hey now, I'm not gonna let those poor animals suffer because our government and people aren't caring for them." Both wore smiles.

Chris was thankful for Josh. Chris has been volunteering at a shelter for stray dogs for a while, trying to help out with what he can, even if the big ones gave him goosebumps. Josh learned about the state, how some of these animals didn't have food, and if he can't adopt them, he decided to drop food and supplies almost weekly. 

"Thanks again, and..for the talk earlier.." Chris lets out a sigh when they reached the front, he pulls in Josh for a tight hug. "Don't ever let yourself think that I'm getting tired of you."

Josh tried to pull out, because one, he already had a crying fit, and two, Chris near burned his shirt with Josh's cigarette.

"Cochise, man, dude, bro, buddy! I'm not trying to cry again tonight, man. Thanks for listening to me..like, all the time."

Chris smiles down and opens the front door, walking out. "See you tomorrow, man!" With a wave, the door shut.


	7. Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and Mike bond over puppos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loser by beck! 
> 
> finally some washingroe up in this inch
> 
> but not really, because,,,how would it be a washingroe fic if we didnt have internalized homophobia but this is very cute i know im an asshole but even assholes on the internet have feelings
> 
> also mikes crusty ass used 3-in-1 shampoo <3

When Mike woke up this morning, he was going to get ready for how his Saturdays went every week, do whatever until party time.

But there was two things different. His head wasn't blurred with alcohol, and the stranger part is, he didn't think he would wake up with a message from Chris Hartley asking him to pick up Josh and the both of them to come to a shelter. 

Well, the alcohol was explainable, he was at the Washington's the night before, and although they shared a few drinks, it wasn't hangover level.

Now the Chris and Josh thing was a bit more confusing.

First off, he's never hung out with Chris nor Josh alone, second off, what shelter, third off, why did it feel like they were inviting him to some weird threesome fetish BDSM thing, and fourth..he has about an hour to make himself ready and presentable.

He can find explanations for the others later, he focused on the fourth for the time being. He can get in thinking time at the shower. 

First thought of the shower was the feeling of having a binding friend group. Mike has never been the guy to only hang out with one group for long. He was finding new people and he loved meeting them. But then again..Chris and Josh were strangers to him, well, Josh more than Chris. He knows a bit about Chris, but if a man put a gun to his head and asked him to name Hartley's favorite food, tell his family he loves them. He can't believe the blond nerdy dude has a girlfriend and Mike doesn't.

Even so, he couldn't explain why he was excited to know more about /Josh/ of all people. Josh was neither a hot chick nor was he a guy they had anything in common with. Opposites attract..in platonic ways of course.

The shelter and fetish thoughts can be answered when he leaves the house so he washes the 3-in-1 that's in his hair and begins to dab himself down with a towel the moment he's outside. By the mention of lunch, Mike doesn't over-fancy his clothing. Flannel, jeans and a jacket. He's completely forgotten that the winter is sneaking around. 

He didn't have much time to do anything else since it's approximately a 20 minute drive to the Washington residence. Mike doesn't like being late. 

When he's in the car, he rereads the messages a few times.

Chris band dude: Hey, weird question but was wondering if u wanted to hang out with me and Josh? i asked matt but he has training 2day. lmk asap

Mike M.: sorry for the late response, overslept a bit. sure man, should i pick u guys up?

Chris band dude: cool, cool. and no need, im at a shelter until 1:30, josh will be outside his house, lmk if you can pick him up in an hour, then we can head out for lunch

Mike M.: yeah, i can pick him up

Chris band dude: cool, thanks

Looking back on it, he should've asked for more information, but the thought of not lazying around until night time was much more appealing to him so he doesn't dwell on his past decisions. 

The day was getting so much more strange by the moment, because when he was nearing the Washington's giant home he sees Josh Washington outside the gate, phone in hand, waiting. Was he late? The guy looked a bit cold..small? He wasn't really that well dressed. A pair of dark jeans and a hoodie, and his jacket..wasn't a jacket, it was one of those sleeveless winter jackets..the beanie covering his dark curls was the warmest looking thing he was wearing. He was curling in on himself, Chris felt bad.

And to match, he made his presence known in the worst way by honking his horn. He realized that could've gone wrong, he could have startled the guy half to death. But Josh merely lifted his head to meet with the car in front..he pursed his lips in a smile-like form and pushed himself off the gate, already coming closer to the car.

Mike waits for Josh to come to the passenger side. When the door opens he's already trying to apologize.

"Hey dude, sorry I'm so late, I really hope you didn't wait too long for me I just woke up a-"

"Shhh, man, it's all good, you're early, actually. I just thought I'd take longer with the bags-" Mike shoots him a quizzed look as Josh looks back outside. "Speaking of, can you help me bring em inside the car?"

"Bags? Yeah, sure man," Mike was already unbuckling himself as he spoke. The moment they were both outside he walked next to Josh. "What kinda bags?" The question was to ensure he wasn't getting in some type of drug deal, speaking on it, it made sense. Chris will meet them at some shelter, the spontaneity of everything, they could transfer drugs in his car and he would be blamed for it!

Josh looked at him quizzically. "Of dog food? Didn't Chris tell you where we're going?"

"Oh, well, he said shelter, and then lunch, no other detail."

"Ah, as smart as the dude is, he can never plan shit. Sorry man, this probably looks so weird to you. My sisters and the other girls are having a..girls day of sorts? So I thought we can group up for a boys day, y'know. Matt said he has practice, Chris was supposed to talk to you since he has your number and I don't, I thought it would be good since I've been a douche and avoiding you guys." 

Now there was so much more to dissect, it made more sense..except for the avoiding part. "Oh, that makes sense..And I was planning on asking if I was doing anything wrong since y'know, you never come out to hang and I just heard you're an outgoing guy for the most part." 

Both begin picking up a huge bag of branded dog food. It was a piece of cake for Mike but Josh let's out a small grunt from his side, which accompanied the smile he wore. "So they do still talk about me, huh?" Mike panics at the statement. How is he gonna explain to the dude that his name was, for the most part, dragged through dirt. "You don't have to pull the whole 'only good things' on me, man. I've been around the scene."

Mike keeps quiet for the small walk back to the car, he takes the bag from Josh and places it in the backseat. Three more to go. 

"I can carry the rest by myself." Now he was just trying to act macho, really, but Mike needs a morning workout anyway. 

"Then I can carry the supply bags?" Josh offers on the way back. 

"Supply bags?" Mike's confused again.

"Yeah, people donate food a bunch but these pups need some toys and brushes don't they?" 

Mike smiles at that..heart of gold, Chris was right. "They do." At least he's at ease knowing they're going to a dog shelter, but Mike will not let the conversation die down.

"Do ya go there a lot?" He asks as he picks up another big bag.

"Almost weekly, Chris volunteers to clean up so I went from visiting to donating what I can. It's..a great place." Josh continues the question as he walks in front of Mike with two smaller bags filled with random chew toys, blankets, brushes, among other supplies. 

The back seat was already looking a bit packed, thankfully it was a pick-up, so space wasn't a big issue. "We can place the food in the back and the other things on the seats?"

"Yeah, alright." Josh gets out and helps Mike with loading the back with the rest of the bags.

The other bags were loaded up in silence, it wasn't that bad. The tension wasn't there anymore.

"There we go." Mike smiles as he gets in the driver's seat, Josh already buckling himself in.

"Thanks man..for helping me carry this shit there." The Washington has a humbling smile, Mike catches him staring for a small bit.

"It's no problem, man. Probably the best way I can spend my Saturday if I'm being honest." With that he starts up his engine. "You can have the aux, by the way. I doubt I have much you'll enjoy."

"Hey now, you're saying that as if I'm a picky asshole." The guy pouts..literally pouts, and Mike could feel himself warm up inside. Josh would be a great friend to have.

"I never know dude!"

"I'll play something you would know," Josh grins, connecting his phone to the chord. "Or at least should..if you don't I'll be very disappointed." 

"Hey now, that's a lot of pressure dude." Mike complains, following the directions Josh put up on his phone.

What came from the speakers was a catchy guitar riff that Mike almost recognized...almost. If it weren't for Josh's eyes burning into him he totally would have gotten it..totally. So he waits for the singing, and even then, his face was equivalent to a giant question mark.

Josh audibly groans. "No way!" 

"What?!"

Josh puts up his finger, as the chorus neared, clearing his throat.

A light 'Yo, cut it' came from the speaker before Josh sang along to the lyrics.

"Soy un perdedor,  
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me!"

With the chorus playing, it was time for Mike to groan. Of course he knew the song.

"Now you recognize it?"

"Duh!"

"Good, cause I'm gonna make your ears bleed by the end of this ride."

After that comment, he picked up after the repeated chorus line.

"The forces of evil in a bozo nightmare,  
Banned all the music with a phony gas chamber,  
Cause one's got a weasel  
And the other's got a flag,  
One's on a pole,  
Shove the other in a bag!"

He stops there to look at Mike, who's wearing the largest shit-eating grin.

"What?"

"Nothin'! Just can't believe you know all the lyrics to this song." Mike laughs, and bops his head along to the music. Josh returns the grin. He sits quiet until the chorus runs again. This time he leans closer to Mike and /screams/ the lyrics.

"Soooooy un perdedor!"

He looks directly at Mike while singing.

"I'm a loser babyyyyy!  
So why don't you kill meeee?"

Mike's in a giggle fit while Josh clears his throat a bit. It was a direct response to 'still knowing the lyrics', calling himself a loser..fair enough. The car ride was nothing less than fun. And when it finished, Josh was quick to speak.

"Well I personally can't believe you didn't sing along to it at all." His eyes divert to the outside, where he sees the shelter come into view.

To that, Mike rolls his eyes and turns to Josh, no need to keeping them on the road since they were basically there.

He opens his mouth, but without singing, he spoke. "What can I say, I'm a loser, baby..so why don't you kill me?" 

Josh had a smile that stretched far on his face, it was a change from the small smirks and deadpanned staring, Mike likes it a lot more.

When the car parks, on the outside they see their very own Christopher Hartley waving his hand at them. Mike waves back as Josh begins getting out. Next to Chris, walks an elderly looking man, probably in his fifties, he had a fond smile and his hand on Chris' shoulder. Josh calls them over when his first foot is outside. That's when Mike unbuckles his own belt to get out, they'll probably need help with the bags..and Chris, although he wielded a heavy guitar on stage would have his knees give out.

The older guy comes to Josh and gives him a hug..one of those fatherly hugs. Mike would kill for one of those right about now..he misses his family, he makes a mental note to video chat his dad when he gets home.

"I brought some company today, sir." Josh points his thumb in the direction of Mike, who flashes his friendliest smile he can, waving a bit. The old man's smile never faltered. 

"That's so nice of you, Joshua. Thank you for coming today," The man turns to Mike again. "The both of you."

"Should we carry the bags to the back? I brought some extra medical supplies, Chris mentioned there was a shortage-" The man gave Chris a disappointed look, seemingly upset.

"Thank you so much, son..but don't go off Christopher's head-"

"Hey! I was just-"

"I seriously can't accept all this help."

"Mr. Davis, I really want to help, we have this conversation every week..come on now. If I could I'd give in so much more to get those lil guys all adopted." Josh answers as he takes out supply bags. Mike takes it as his cue to pick up a bag of food. 

"Where do we drop these off?" Mike, as to not feel like the odd one out, puffs his chest out, while holding the bag.

"Follow me..Cochise! Get some stuff too, you fuck!" He can hear Chris' 'fuck off' as he followed Josh inside. They didn't head to where they kept the animals, turned left to some sort of storage room. Josh scampered off to one side to leave his stuff where the toys and such go, while Mike carried what he had to the section for food. Knowingly, the smell of dog food was..less than pleasant but he felt Josh look at him from the door so he kept up the macho, unbothered thing. 

They head out just to see Chris, his knees shaking as he attempted to carry a sack of dog food to where they just were, Mike rushes off to help the dude, Josh is laughing at him. Fair. He did look pretty dumb. Chris and Mike head back inside and Josh goes to get the remainder of their things, steering away from the sacks of dog food. They have Mike for that, of course. 

"Never thought you'd work in a place like this, man."

"Hey now. I don't work here, I volunteer..from the good of my heart." Chris pushes his glasses up on his face the moment they set the bag down. They go outside for the other two.

"Never thought you to be a dog person." Mike picks up a bag, while Josh and Chris pick up another.

"I'm..hah. I'm not a dog person per-say.." Chris huffs from behind him. "They're nice and all but..I'd rather stay back."

"What he's-..He's trying to say is he got his ass bit by a poodle when he was ten and now he's a pussy." Josh explains to Mike, to which Mike bursts out laughing, Chris attempts (and fails) to kick Josh in his shin.

The rest of the things were settled quick, and the moment the four guys began to group up, Josh ran off inside the building. There was workers and volunteers greeting him and giving him looks all up until he reached the cages. A long line of different breeds. 

"Where'd he run off to?" Mike asks Chris and the man, the three of them slowly following after where Josh run to.

"To the dogs." Chris' answer was short but the old man's smile told a longer story.

"The young boy has fallen in love with this dog..she's an old one, a husky..Don't know why she caught his eye that much but she's only ever wagging her tail when he's there." From afar they can see Josh kneeling next to a cage, while a middle aged woman was unlocking the door for him.

"He loves them all, really, they're always happy to see Joshua." Mike could've guessed that by the chorus of barks that erupted when Josh walked down the hall, but the longer he looked at these dogs, and the admiration in the eyes of Chris and the man made Mike's heart warm up. "He's a great guy..this place would've closed down and all of these dogs would be on the streets, but he comes by with so many donations, food, medical supplies, toys..It's like he's the only person that cares about all of them."

"Hey!" Chris chipped in.

"No offence, Christopher, but if it weren't for Josh's persistence to keep this hole open I would've closed it down a long time ago."

Josh comes closer to them, leading a gray-ish black husky on a leash. She resembled a wolf, her mouth open wide and trying to pull and jump as much as her age allows it. "Hey, now! Slow down!" Josh pleads, but the smile he had showed he didn't mind it. He managed to stop in front of them, since she wanted to sniff up on the newcomers."There we go."

Josh looks at the three guys and focuses on Mike. "Abigail, this is our new friend Mike." He spoke in a slight 'baby voice', one used for dogs and toddlers alike. Mike has a gigantic smile which he can't rid of. "Mike, this is my baby, Abigail."

Mike actually kneels down to her level, his hand over her head, which she immediately leaned on. "Nice to meet you, Abigail."

Josh nudges the leash into Mike's hands. "Can you and Chris head off to the garden? Mr. Davis, I don't wanna bother you anymore. I'll be there in a few, I bought a toy just for her."

He runs off before anyone can answer. Like a child, Mike thought. Chris begins walking outside, Mike almost didn't notice if it weren't for the big dog pulling on the leash attempting to follow Chris, she almost toppled Mike, the strength!

Mike does what he does best and tries to spark a conversation. "He really likes these dogs, huh?"

"Definitely. I'm just a bit worried, y'know? She has a few years on her, man. I don't wanna know how bad it'll affect him when she passes."

Thinking about this dog's death even hurt Mike, it would hurt like hell for Josh. "Why doesn't he adopt her? Spend what time she has with him?"

"He really wants to man, but," Chris purses his lips into a thin line, debating on if he should say anything further or not. "His dad's not too fond of the idea."

A scene from the fast food place pops up in Mike's thoughts, of Josh speaking ill on his dad, he doesn't wanna push the topic, but his curiosity is sparked up. It's a human reaction. Hearing any type of feud, drama or argument happening, it quenches a thirst, it makes a person feel complete even if it doesn't involve them at all.

"He doesn't seem to like his dad, huh?" And Mike is only human after all. Chris looks at him quizzically.

"They don't have the best of relationships." Chris continues the conversation without feeding too much into it.

"Who?" Both of them near jumped when a voice came from behind them. Josh, of course.

"Oh, uh we-" Chris stammers.

"We were talking about this dude from a fraternity, he's a friend of Matt's." Mike answers without a thought. Chris shows a look of amazement, which fades quickly. Mike's a good liar, but Josh is excellent at telling when a person is lying..it looks like a duel.

Mike and Josh stare at each other before Mike continues. "His ex was walking around and talking about him cheating." He builds up on the lie.

"Huh. College life." Josh's smile perks up slightly. Chris almost thinks Mike had won, and then. "But I don't think it's our business to talk about their private lives, man." Holy shit man. He hates when Josh gets all Sherlock up on people. He just hopes he didn't actually hear him talking about him and his dad.

Josh takes the leash and unbuckles it, letting Abigail to run free. She takes it as a chance to run a circle and come back jumping up on him. Josh wasn't a loud laughter, but a light trace of a chuckle came and everyone's smile just reappeared. Just then he takes out a cube-like plush toy that Abigail wants to sniff immediately. "Get this. It's called the doggie dice."

He lifts his arm out of Abigail's reach. "You throw it and when she brings it back you gotta do whatever side it lands on. You guys are definitely playing." The dark colored plush toy made a squeak sound when Josh pressed down, it grabbed Abigail's attention in an instant, she wants to investigate the sound. Chris shakes his head.

"No way man. I'd rather not have a dog running at me. How about you two play while I finish off some work inside. I'll tell you when it's time to go." Chris was already walking back outside the fenced garden area and back to the main building. Josh couldn't really protest. He knows Chris gets freaked out.

"Just you, me and Abigail, huh, Mikey?" Josh has a Cheshire grin when Mike's attention turns back, he returns a smile of his own. 

He throws the cube as far as a plush can go, Abigail follows it's trail. Now that they're alone again, Mike scatters his mind for conversation starters, he speaks up just as Abigail returns with the toy.

She drops it on command and the side says 'Throw again', Josh launches it in a separate direction. "Are you guys planning a show anytime soon?" She runs back and Josh points to Mike, whose feet she drops it in front of.

It lands on 'Belly rub', he gets to his knees and gives an attempt, Abigail is ecstatic. "I don't think so. Beth wants to throw like a New Years party at our place..she thinks we can set up and play then, but I'm not sure."

Something in the word 'party' causes Mike's ears to perk up. He hands the toy to Josh who throws it again. "Why not? I think it's a great idea."

"Mike you know I'm not the most well liked person, I don't want to soil my sister's party because I'm the frontman." Josh shrugs his shoulders, Abigail gets another belly rub. 

"That's bullshit man, everyone will go to a party, no matter whose place it's at. Plus, a big house, a good band and drinks." Mike's argument is valid, yet Josh still looks less than happy with the idea. Mike throws the cube.

"If I were to play, I'd do a tiny set and grab a few drinks then get the fuck out of here." Josh admits, both set of eyes focusing on the overjoyed dog.

"I heard you were a party person." Mike kneels to take the cube that was dropped in front. "It says treat." Josh takes out a small package of doggy treats and pitches it to Mike.

"Yeah, were..was." Josh's smile never leaves his face, but it's not as if it depicted happiness in the first place. "In all honesty, I don't know if I ever was. Just the alcohol making me think I was having fun but I realized I can have fun with alcohol all by my lonesome." It's his turn to throw the cube, Abigail is getting a bit tired. They'll head in soon.

"There's no need to drink alone when you can have company." Mike's tone was too suggestive for his own liking, he almost smacked himself across the face.

"Are you propositioning me, Michael?" Josh was obviously feeding into it as a joke and Mike could thank him for it. It shouldn't get that weird between two bros.

"Don't flatter yourself." And after all this time Chris makes his reappearance, now wearing a winter jacket, seemingly ready to go.

"If you say so. I'll go put Abigail away." Josh attaches the leash to the now sitting dog. Both of them head to the cages while Chris and Mike head back to Mike's car.

"Seems like you guys had a fun conversation." Chris inquires, his tone is accusatory and Mike doesn't feel comfortable with it. Chris sounded..bored? Why would he be bored of a conversation he started.

"I guess, man. We were just talking about the New Year party Han and Beth wanna throw." Mike gives him as honest an answer he can. Chris gets in the passenger side, and Mike, of course, the driver's side.

"Listen dude." Chris begins, keeping a direct look to the shelter doors..looking for Josh. "I see that you two are getting closer and I just wanna warn y-"

"Woah, Chris are you jealous?" Mike cuts him off and Chris almost punches the dude on the spot.

"No! Shut up, asshole. I just wanna tell you to be careful with him, man. He's..been through a lot and I know the type of guy you are. Josh keeps his circle small for reasons and if he's willing to let you in, just don't mess it up."

Mike feels a wave emotions. All of them circle around his ego. What does Chris mean he knows the type of guy Mike is? The guy doesn't know the first thing about Mike. Why does he automatically assume he would betray Josh or mess something up?

"What does that even mean? What kind of guy am I?" Mike tries to not raise his voice much, but it's irritating.

"Mike, you know exactly what I mean. You hang around frat houses, your ego is so inflated because you can get any girl..Mike, we haven't talked much but, word of mouth, you can be a real ass, y'know? You hurt people's feelings and not care or your ego won't let you care." 

Now Mike really /is/ offended. Who is Christopher Hartley to listen to rumors about Mike and believe them? What gives him the right to think less of Mike because of other people's words. He opens his mouth to tell the asshole that he's incorrect and then it clicks. Well, something clicks physically and metaphorically. The door closes, Josh is inside. They'll continue this later..but then he also realizes something..

He did the same thing to Josh, didn't he? He thought of him as a reprobate, an asshole and a filthy person because of people's rumors. He thought of him..as an animal. And the guilt sunk in fast. But Mike rather swallow a tooth than apologize or admit to his wrongs...especially not to Christopher Hartley.

"Awe man. I wanted shotgun." Josh pouts the moment he's inside, taking the beanie off his head to ruffle his short hair. 

"First come, first serve, my dear Watson." Chris jokes back, earning him a middle finger. Mike just starts up the car.

"I call DJ privileges then." Josh turns to Mike with this look and Mike can't deny him, simply passing him the chord instead.

"Hey, DJ privileges come with shotgun!" Chris complains and Josh shakes his head.

"I'd rather crash this car than listen to what you have, man. No offense." Mike admits, clearly a joke but the passive aggression was loud and clear.

"Full offense taken, Josh, back me up man!" Chris pleads, but looking back, Josh is scrolling through playlists.

"You listen to Radiohead, Cochise. I gotta agree with Mike here." Chris looks exasperated. Josh settles on some indie pop punk music.

"What's wrong with creep?!" Chris tries to argue but Josh has a smile showcasing his win.

"What place are we eating at?" Mike's voice perks up, for someone so talkative his silence was noticeable, Josh leans closer to the front seats, his chest pressing against them.

"There's this place, it's a few miles from here. Chris knows how to get there, it has bomb ass fries."

"We go there almost every week!"

"But Mike hasn't been there."

Chris lets out a defeated sigh and just settles to showing directions to Mike.

Mike's head is filled with thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will i use abigail's death to make shit sad for no reason? idk yet, maybe,,maybe not, who knows


	8. Only Everyone Can Judge Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike tries to find out more about Josh, so he goes to one person both are close to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is by crywank (again)! ngl its pure joshcore
> 
> about time mike finds something out  
> also ik its weird that its winter in this story but   
> 1\. it goes with the game  
> 2\. ive been thinking abt this since winter so sue me

"So, where are we going?" Hannah chirps the moment she's seated in the car. Mike doesn't blame her curiosity, because well, he didn't give context to their meet-up. Maybe Chris was rubbing off on him.

"Just to a small place for lunch, I just," But Mike's curiosity is eating at him..why was Chris being so weird yesterday? "I guess I need your advice."

"Mike I don't know how to get Jennie to talk to you again." 

"What?! Jen..Hannah stop being ridiculous, this isn't about her." Mike looks bewildered, and maybe a bit offended too. 

"It's not?" Now Hannah looks confused too.

"No..no. It's about someone I think you know..very well." Why is Mike even nervous to talk to her about it? It's her brother for fuck's sake..But Hannah never really talked about her older brother, maybe they weren't on good terms? Mike's overthinking it, and he doesn't do well with thinking. Plus Hannah looks mortified, anxious. Maybe she's thinking something bad happened to Matt, he shouldn't do that to the poor girl.

"Hannah, yesterday..Chris and Josh invited me out with them." Mike starts off, keeping his eyes on the road. "When Josh wasn't there Chris was being..I don't know, weird? He told me to be careful with Josh and..Josh keeps his circle small for reasons and I was just thinking..why's that? Y'know? Josh seems like a chill dude, and frankly I was kinda offended because he made me out to be a douchebag and-" Mike takes a glance at the Washington daughter. She looks..upset? Not necessarily, maybe confused..thinking.

"So it's about Josh then." Hannah concludes. "Mike, in all honesty, I'm not..close to him. Beth is much more involved in his life. Our conversations are short and we don't..really know each other on a spiritual level." Hannah begins explaining, she seems to get sadder. "But that's because he won't let me in. Our last argument..he said, he said he doesn't want to be close to me and Beth because, well, he thinks he'll ruin our lives by just being there. And back then I was so upset, so upset he didn't trust me but now..I know my brother is just in pain." Her voice was a bit shaky. Mike keeps quiet.

"Mike, I'll tell you what I know about how his mind works but don't take it to heart and if a word reaches your shitty frat friends I'll destroy you with my bare hands." Now, that threat shouldn't have been as scary as it was because Hannah was a rather small girl but the way she said it made Mike swear on his life.

"Alright well..I guess it starts with family. My brother and my father have never been on the best of terms..as long as I remember it's always Josh distancing himself from our family dinners, not wanting to go to those parties my parents get invited to, and when he was younger, my dad was always..meaner to him than to us. He was more critical, and it got even worse a few years back when Josh..came out, y'know?" Mike nods his head. But he doesn't know. He'll never understand because his dad was always so accepting, that even if Mike were to come out as gay or bisexual, which he isn't but his dad would still love him. He can't imagine a life without that type of support.

"So uh..Josh has always been distant, and he never told us how he felt, but..I was nine or ten, so I don't remember it very well, something happened..They dragged him out of the house in an ambulance and, no one ever told us what happened to him that day but..Since then he went from hospital to hospital, I'm sure my parents found a list of therapists and sent him to them one by one. And he...well I remember he once said that the only reason they ever sent him is to fix him, so the media doesn't think my father has a broken son." That statement softened something inside of Mike. Mike has this tendency to protect, and well..Josh brings it out.

"He's not mentally okay, Mike. That's all I'm saying, and he grew up getting punched and pushed at school, but he took all of those punches just so me and Beth were left alone." Hannah's eyes gloss over but she doesn't cry. "And creating..music, films, lyrics..all of that has been his only escape." 

The car is silent for a few moments but then Hannah perks up. "Wait I know. He has this song, only me and Beth have it but..I think, if you really wanna know more about his mind it's very important." She scrolls through her phone, Mike just hands her the aux. 

He uses the time she's silent to think. Josh is a lot of things. Josh is artistic, smart. He's hurting, he's fragile but he's also strong. And Mike has the heart of a protector, and he feels a need to be there for him. "There."

A small guitar tune plays through Mike's speakers. Mike feels the need to turn it up but then Josh's voice comes through.

"Hive mind is scary,   
I feel vulnerable and stupid,  
Waiting for a new embarrassment   
To go and tear right through me,  
A dependent fruitless animal, watch me brimming with shame."

A strong start, Mike listens a bit closer this time. Josh sounds so tired, but it may be the quality of the recording.

"And this confidence I fake only makes matters worse,  
I am not a stallion, I am just perverse,  
Hopeless, and docile, and tamed.."

His words hold weight and Mike is bothered by it..why are people letting Josh feel like this? 

"Another day I won't remember,   
another day I wished away  
Tedious days punctuated by dismay  
Everyday feels the same."

Why have people just given him space when he needs comfort and contact?

"It's the routine, and it's the regret  
That makes me worse yet.."

Why are people turning a blind eye to his struggling? And why does Mike feel compelled to do the same? It would be so easy, to just ignore it but..something about this is eating at Mike's core.

"Did I forget your name or make a joke and no-one laughed?  
Did I come across as stupid or did I cum too fast?  
This isn't a brave face, this isn't a brave face  
This is a mask..."

Why is Josh so alone?

"Now I remember it doesn't take much to make me feel small." 

The recording scurries into random chatter and Hannah unplugs her phone, Mike stops the car in front of the fast food place.

When they step outside Mike takes in a breath and let's his thoughts out, it would be unfair if he pussies out and keeps quiet after she told him all of that.

"Han, I'm gonna try to help him." He turns to her, she smirks and chuckles..humorless chuckle.

"Good luck." They settle for a booth. "Mike..No offense but no one has been able to reach him that well yet..maybe Chris but they've been drifting apart recently. I don't know what you can do that other's haven't tried. And plus.." She looks Mike dead in the eyes. "You're not the best with commitment." 

That stung. Is Mike not allowed to help? Why is no one showing hope in him? "What the hell Han-"

"Mike listen. You're young, you like to party, to have sex. You're very outgoing. You don't stay in one place long and well...Josh doesn't compute well with that..Mike he can't open himself up and then be left alone again."

"Why are you assuming I'll leav-"

"There's a long list of reasons but let me keep it even simpler."

A waitress interrupts them, they give their orders and Hannah turns to continue.

"Mike, currently, you're big talk, you hang out at parties and you hang out with the same guys that would beat my brother to a pulp." Mike swallows dryly. "For that sole reason Josh would avoid you but even if he were to let you in..you have a long history of being a temporary fix Mike. Wow, that sounded melodramatic, I'm sorry, but you get what I mean, right? I don't know if I can see my brother have another heartache."

Mike is silent, he needs to think his views through. Firstly, of course he's offended, two people in a row saying he's bad at commitment and although his first gut instinct is to deny it now he sits and thinks it through..an array of failed relationships follow his trail and even more broken friendships. Hannah is right about the frat thing though..he knows what those guys say about Josh or about any openly gay person in town, really. It would tamper his reputation if he was seen being friends with Josh but Mike holds enough power in his name to get above that. Why do people even care so much?

And then something clicks.

"Temporary fix?" He tries to confirm Hannah's words.

"Well, yeah..Mike don't get me wrong it-"

"Well how about I'm a temporary fix then? I'm not claiming I'm gonna come in and solve all his problems, maybe everyone has been looking at it wrong, why try to permanently fix something when maybe he needs small fixes, y'know?" Mike isn't best at explaining, Hannah still looks unconvinced.

"Mike I'm not worried you want to solve all his problems, I'm worried you'll open up new ones." This is the harshest Hannah has ever been and if Mike wasn't Mike he would've justified it, but Mike is Mike so his ego speaks for him.

"Whatever, Han. Talk to me about something el-, oh our food's on our way." Mike directs his eyes at the waitress who made her way there.

"Let me know if you would need anything else." She pipes up and walks away, Mike continues staring.

"Should I get her number?" Mike half-jokes, his eyes meeting Hannah's disapproving ones. "What? It's not gonna be serious, a one time thing maybe." 

"My point, Michael." Hannah picks up her cup.

"You're making it like I'm gonna have sex with your brother, Han." In that moment, Hannah almost spat our her drink, Mike feared for his clothes.

"You better not." It was funny to think about though..Michael Munroe, with another man. Hannah almost laughed.

It made a certain part in Mike's brain itch, one he's suppressed since he was a kid..no, that's simply ridiculous. Mike decides to tip the waitress and leave his number there too. Hannah almost slaps him then and there.


	9. We Didn't Come Here to Rock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike makes Josh come to a party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO, tw for this chapter for a panic attack and psychosis symptoms. Josh isn't having the best of times in this chapter but theres some bonding
> 
> ive been going thru some shit, and so i took it out in a weirdly written, strangely psychedelic chapter in a fanfic on a site with millions of other teens :D
> 
> stay safe and remember, arrest the killers of breonna taylor and elijah mcclain

"Hello?"

"Hey, Josh! It's Mike. Sorry for callin' you out of nowhere." 

"Oh, uh, no problem, man. What do you need?" Josh sounds caught off guard, a bit conflicted, too.

"Yeah, uhm, I was wondering if you were free tonight?" Mike's question confused Josh even more. What is Michael Munroe doing asking Josh if he's free on a Friday night?

"Me? Well, yeah, I guess..why?" Josh didn't mean to sound as accusatory as he did but he couldn't help it, it was out of the blue..maybe payback for the previous Saturday.

"Oh, great, I was wondering if you wanted to go out somewhere?" Mike is smooth with his propositions, but Josh isn't that easy.

"It depends on where." Josh humors Mike. His voice is light and suggesting. 

"Well, there's a small party at a friend of mine." After that, Josh's smile drops, even though Mike can't see it, he can feel it through the phone, by the small silence that followed, Josh's playful tone was gone.

"I don't know, man. I'm not a part-"

"Hear me out! It's not that big, I made sure Chris and Ash are gonna come, your sisters will be there, and I just know you'll have fun."

The next silence that followed gave Mike a bit more hope and confidence. 

"Again, man. I'm not big on parties, y'know.." Josh became less confident in his words and Mike can see a breakthrough.

"Come on dude! If you're not having fun, we can leave right away, I'll buy you a drink, too."

"Well now you're making me feel like I should come and complain right away." Josh's playful tone was back and it put a smile on Mike's face.

"Sounds good to me. Be ready by eight, I'll be there at around seven and a half-ish."

"I didn't say yes-"

"Josh, I think we both know I won you over." Mike's cockiness is contagious, Josh finds himself grinning.

"Whatever, man. I'll see you then."

"Adios, Josh." 

Josh feels the panic set in the moment his phone indicated the call has ended. What is he supposed to do now? He's tempted to call back and cancel but that would be lame. The dread in his mind overweighed the excitement he was supposed to feel. He didn't go to college parties for a reason. His party scene was focused outside schooling for a reason. In reality, his worst case scenario was getting pushed a bit or most likely get yelled at. But thinking he'd damper Mike's reputation by solely being there was a bit scarier. Whatever, it was Mike's choice, Josh shouldn't care anyway. He makes his way around the house to Hannah's room. Beth was out and he needed advice. His initial knock was light.

"Han? You in there?" He hid the shakiness well. Hannah doesn't take long to open up her door. He remembers the days he used to barge in and annoy them but they're all grown now. Josh wants to respect his sister's personal space no matter what urge to be childish pursues him.

"Josh? What do you need."

"Uh..well, fashion advice?"

Hannah looks like someone struck her in the face. "From me? Josh, your fashion is much better than mi-"

"Mike invited me to a party tonight and I don't know what to wear." Josh admits before she can finish, Hannah's eyes are unreadable. She looks confused but also fully filled in, like she understood a joke he didn't. 

"And you agreed to go?" Ouch, wow. Not the first question he expected, he expected her to be much more happy he agreed to crack open his shell a little, but maybe he's reading things wrong..he tends to do it sometimes.

"Well, I guess. He seemed like he wanted me to go..and I haven't been to a college party in a long time, he said you're going too." Josh wants to retreat in his room..but then Hannah smiles, it was welcoming, warmed Josh up. 

"To your closet then!" She steps out and eagerly begins walking to Josh's room.

"Come on, man. I just got out of it." Hannah almost didn't get the gist of the joke but soon the siblings shared a laugh..it felt nice. Maybe he strayed a bit too far. 

Hannah and Josh have very different styles, and Josh knows it's gonna take God's work to help him fit in..but Hannah disagrees, well, she knows he won't fit in but maybe he shouldn't fit in. Why fit in when he can stand out? And although Josh liked a bit of attention, just as any young adult, he'd rather not. Yet, his sister was persistent and she picked out an outfit that would surely catch an eye or two.

She managed to dig up these tight fitted black buckle jeans. They had a few patches from bands on them but the buckles are what made them stand out. For his top she chose out the same tank he wore at their show, large fitted and covering his shoulders. He wanted so bad to refuse but the excitement his sister showed was welcoming so he thanked her and went off to shower in the time he had left. 

His nerves wouldn't wash away, they tensed even further when he was in the shower because alone time in the shower meant alone time with his thoughts and that wasn't a fun experience for him. He tries not to dwell so it doesn't weigh in on his decision. 

Long story short, the shower was short, shaky and didn't help at all. Josh just went to put his clothes on. The entire time he was trying to silence his mind and just listen to his heart, let himself have fun. 

He was sitting in front of his mirror, deciding on if he should put on guyliner or not when his phone buzzed.

A message from Mike telling him he's on his way. He decides against the liner and goes to grab a leather jacket from his closet. It was riddled with patches and pins, one of his older ones, but his favorites too. Hannah called for him, Matt must've called her to warn her, too. Josh grabs his phone and wallet and heads outside, meeting Hannah in the main hall. She looks so happy to see him.

"You look so good! Holy shit, if you don't find a boyfriend tonight..I'm telling you." Josh felt awkward when praised, never knew how to respond, so he just gives her a half-smile and thanks her. The siblings exit the house. Hannah is texting on her phone so Josh feels a bit out of place.

"Uhm, how many people are gonna be there?"

Hannah glances up and shrugs her shoulders a bit. "I don't know an exact number but not that many, like not an insane amount of people."

That helped with Josh's nerves. "Any people that I know?"

"Of course, Ash is gonna be there, she said she'll try to get Chris too, but I'm not sure on him. Beth and Sam, Jess, Em. Some kids from your old class maybe? Like, that Jeremy guy, Alex from Beth's science class, the guy you got in a fight with once, remember?"

"Please don't remind me-" A car honking from the distance caught their attention, seeing Mike pull into their driveway. "They're here."

Hannah is already walking to the car, Josh almost trips trying to catch up. From where he is, he sees Matt inside the car. Smiling when he sees his girlfriend. Josh looks and sees Mike, who looks like he's staring at him. They get in the backseats, Hannah sitting up to share a kiss with Matt.

"Glad Mike made you come, man." Matt shoots a smile to Josh who shrugs his shoulder. He was always a bit more skeptical with him. Mike peered at him from the mirror above.

"I'm glad I made him come too." Mike jokes, earning a light laugh from everybody inside the car. Josh, again, feels out of place. Hannah nudges his shoulder.

"Live while you can, big bro. If anyone does say anything, I'll personally beat their ass."

"No can do, Han," Mike pipes up from the front, earning everyone's attention. "Already promised I'd be the first to beat their asses. You can get seconds."

"In your dreams, Mike."

"You two are acting like I'm a little helpless puppy, man."

Hannah huffs and leans into her seat, like a defeated puppy, or maybe a kid who didn't get the sweet she wanted, it's endearing, really. And Josh finds it sweet, that they want to fight for him, but it's not their battle, and he doesn't wanna be treated as if he's a helpless child, a damsel in distress of some sort. It makes him feel useless, it's upsetting. For the sake of reader's interest and not being bothered to write a detailed car ride, the rest of the conversations were basic teenager stuff. Who did this, and who did that. Josh wasn't so interested, maybe he was, we don't know.

From what we do know, we can assume Josh's heart was going many miles per hour when Mike pulled up in a spot, around them it was fairly crowded, from where he was sitting, Josh could see the house, from the lights blaring through, and random stray people hanging out and about.

"You good, Josh?" Matt, who was the only one left in the car with Josh pried. Josh doesn't know the answer to that question, so he doesn't answer it. He opens his side and gets out, something in his chest made him feel a bit tight. It was too warm for a night in autumn, soon-to-be winter. 

"We could've done so many other things...Like karaoke. We could've just gone to karaoke, man." Josh complains, it falls on flat ears, of course. Mike throws his arm over Josh's shoulder. Y'know, just like how heterosexual bros put their arm over their platonic bro. Josh looks much tinier now, much more miserable, too.

"Chill out, Josh. We can go next week." The both of them stop and watch on as Hannah and Matt go near to the house. "I know we've been jokin' around man, but if you actually feel you need t'leave, just tell me." Mike reassures Josh as best as he can, which, fair enough, Mike is a totally heterosexual dude that can be a massive douche, has everything in life, and never really had to deal with anything differing from the norm, so it wasn't the best but it was nice to know he was trying.

"Crystal clear, captain." Josh's playfulness was a breath of fresh air, so Mike nudges him to keep walking. And maybe it isn't true but Josh still felt as if eyes were already pointed at him..if it was due to his reputation or maybe just his outfit, he can't tell, but he huffs out his chest and deals with it.

Now, I know you're expecting this super big fight with the douchebags that bullied Josh, maybe a few drinks spilled, maybe some blood too, but in reality, teens aren't as confrontational as they make them out to be, not even the big mean jocks. Especially not when they see Josh clearly walking next to Mike. The worst thing Josh dealt with at the beginning of the night was the awkward stand-by he had to do while Mike stopped and chatted with his buds. 

He didn't keep his eyes to himself, and it's a miracle that he saw Hannah heading over to Beth and Sam. He considers that his current haven. He doesn't trust Mike, of course not. That would be too fast. Josh is supposed to have trust issues guys.

Maybe they were early, or maybe the party truly wasn't crowded, like he was told, but it wasn't hard to walk past people. As gentle as he can, he grabs Hannah's forearm, which looking back on it, was an asshole move, the poor girl would've thought someone was assaulting her. Her panic subsided when she saw her older brother there instead of some drunk creep, of course. And growing up with him told her that the look of a lost puppy in his eyes wasn't for no reason, so she helped him through whatever crowd was there so they can talk to their sister.

When Beth saw her brother following Hannah her smile lit up the room, figuratively. 

"Han, Josh!" Sam's voice also showcased how pleasantly surprised she was. 

"Since when do you attend college parties?" That was Beth's first question when their greeting was settled. Why was everyone treating it like a big deal?

"Why is everyone treating it like it's a big deal?"

Beth senses the irritation in her older brother's tone, and maybe her smile faltered all so slightly. "I'm happy you're here, either way." She covers her tracks skillfully. Josh almost shut down at the spot. The thought that maybe he addressed her comments too harshly struck between his nerves and he folded over his posture. Crossing his arms and pressing his lips together..y'know, in one of those awkward sad half-smiles.

A tap on his shoulder is what snaps him out of the inevitable hole of thoughts he was going to dive in. Mike, again, this time offering him a can of beer, with it offering him a cocky smirk-like smile. Josh takes it of course, alcohol is mostly what he needed right now, to rid of the feeling of paranoia, feeling like everyone is looking at him when they're not..and usually he isn't this paranoid, it was worse when he experienced a full psychotic episode, he doesn't think about it, sometimes he tells people it was a bad acid trip, no one really wants to admit their brain deteriorating. He won't think about it, not now. And if room temperature beer helps, then fuck it.

Now, again, I could stick to the concept of consistency for this next part, but it's too warm to think so I'll put it this way. Josh drinks. He drinks a can, maybe two. He doesn't know the people that offer him a puff of their roach, but he doesn't turn it down, that part he knows. What he doesn't know is why after effects settle in he isn't as relaxed as he should be. No, it's not even neutral. There's a constant tightening in his chest. His pupils are dilated, he is glancing from face to face, but it all feels like it's closing in on him, everyone is staring at him, judging him. Sweat drips down his forehead, he feels a lil dizzy. His lips are sealed and he feels like some asshole put superglue on the bottoms of his shoes, he can't move from the spot he stood in. And his breathing gets heavier, thoughts get blurrier..y'know, he can't focus. Telltale signs of a panic attack or whatnot. He tries holding it back, and he did good..for the first few minutes, because Hannah tries to look at him. It's hard, I know. It's dark, there's music, and if she asked if he was okay, he didn't hear it. Instead everything was blaring, and to him it was a flatline, ringing and when he looked at Hannah, his brain didn't let him recognize her. Maybe that isn't his sister, who is she..what did she do with Hannah, who are these people..why are there bugs on the floor..why is it so hot in here? Hey Josh buddy, you doing okay?

Okay maybe he isn't. Wanna know how I can tell? Because of answering his sister (or maybe fake spy sister)'s question, he jumped up from where he was like a deer in headlights and tried to make a dash for it.

"Hey, watch it-" Hey, we're forgetting this is a teenage fanfic, we need some cliche in here. Josh bumps into Mike. "Josh? Where are yo-" But of course, like every teenage romance novel, Josh runs off into the crowd..well probably hoping to get out. He is thankful for the buzzing of his head and loud ringing in his ears..because hey! Like this he can't hear the words from the people he bumps into. Though it's surely something like 'watch where you're going', hey! That's what Mike said! Speaking of Mike, where is he? Josh doesn't know, maybe he doesn't wanna know. What if it's all a big prank? Maybe everyone is in on it, they're recording Josh's freak-out in real time maybe, something to laugh about. Well, ha ha. They got him, can someone take him back home now? One of these prepped up girls, maybe they can tell him where the exit is. He needs to get out and breath, their prank shouldn't go as far as to kill him..that would be extremely rude..and probably against the law, too. What a headline, 

'Son of movie mogul dies from a panic attack after a big prank'

That would be embarrassing, so for now he'll have to manage to survive. In his mind it seemed like a long time since he's had air, a long time searching for an exit, but in reality it would've been about a minute of him holding his breath and two to get outside. What are the chances of Mike leaving his car unlocked? Low, but it was worth a shot, wasn't it? He'd just sit in the car and wait it out. Unless Mike decides to bring a hook up to the car, that would be an awkward car ride.

Driver's side didn't open, he moves to the passenger side, but again, it won't budge. Now he's frustrated and he's hyperventilating. In his mind there's cameras on him, and they're tracking him down. In his mind his heart had stopped beating and he was waiting to collapse. He probably looked highly intoxicated to the outsiders eye. Hyperventilating and pulling at a door, turns his back against the vehicle and slides to the ground. Tears pool in his eyes and at this point, poor Josh is sobbing on the dirty sidewalk.

"Josh-?" That voice was familiar, maybe a bit obstructed but surely it had to be Mike, right? Or maybe not..is he here to laugh? How many people are with him? "There you ar-, holy fuck, what happened?"

Teenagers, even if movies make you believe they aren't, are awkward as all hell, and when living their lives in a 'no strings' type of way, it's not in their best nature to nurture and care for a crying friend, so Mike stands and looks on. He kneels down to Josh's level and tries to get his attention. "Come on, man. Let's get you out of here.." Good start, Mike, you're doing great. Now to actually get Josh in the car.

"Don't, what are you..stop touching me!" Josh shrivels at Mike's touch, tries to pull away but just slams himself against the back of the car. Mike would have pulled back, I don't blame him for that decision, since we all know not to give space to an obviously distressed is a bad idea. Simply opening the door instead, hoping Josh would get the gist and climb inside. "Just get in, man. I'll drive you home." Mike encourages him, like a person encouraging a scared dog to take the food thrown at it. He would think it's a trap, another way to get hurt. But at some point the hunger speaks louder than the mind. And the word 'home' sounded delicious to Josh. 

Josh, some minute later, would've climbed in the car and taken the time that Mike takes to get inside the driver's side to calm himself down. And it works for a little. The world seems a lot less dangerous whenever you're in a place you've deemed safe. Pushing whatever panic that stirred inside him as fast as he can..but realistically it isn't that easy. So even after Mike gets in and starts backing out, Josh's eyes still sit wide and confused, and he lets out heavy breaths. Mike is scared, maybe he should take him to the hospital instead? Would that be a better idea? He'd rather spend a few extra bucks to America's fucked health care system than be caught with a dead Washington in his car..well also he would be bummed if his new friend died because Mike wanted to help him be more outgoing. 

"Do you need me to take you to the hospital..?" Mike asks just in case. What if Josh is having a heart attack? That would suck..

"No..no...Just-" Josh, eyes still wide, looks around his surroundings, trying to ground himself. Mike can't really imagine what kinds of wars are raging inside Josh's mind. "Just, get me out of here..I don't wanna be here." Josh already had a slow speaking pace, but now with extra exhales and stutters it was even slower. Mike begins driving.

"You wanna go home or do you wanna take up that offer from before?" Mike's pathetic attempt of humor in the situation was..well..pathetic. But it calmed Josh in a weird, slightly masochistic, tad bit opportunist kind of way.

"I don't think my mind wants me to drink anymore." Josh's speech pattern is returning. "But my body needs it, man.." Something well-known about Josh is that he isn't the most sober of people. Maybe it was him looking for solace in alcohol a few years back that reeled him in, a way to be sedated, a way to not think about his problems. Josh was known to be a drinker by the masses. A cherry on top for his rumored drug use. 

Now in Mike's mind there's probably a little war waging on. On one hand, he could take Josh out to a smaller place to drink, to learn some weak points he can use to blossom their friendship further, or take him home and return to the party.

Patterns are boring, aren't they? Maybe the same-old 'party every week' shtick is getting tedious. It's losing it's appeal in a way. So maybe Mike does just drive to a pub in a God-knows where part of town, surely there won't be many people..except those local old men that are always there after a fight with their wife or simply old habits. Sometimes Josh would fear he'll end up like that..but then he remembers he probably won't make it past 25. A terrifying thought but he likes to think he's already accepted it, but, as any human, we fear death. Even to the slightest. 

"Okay..okay, we'll go drink." Mike concludes. "But, I'm makin' sure you don't go overboard and also-" This is his chance. "I need to know you're okay."

At this point Josh would look at Mike confused, or irritated..one of the two. "I am-"

"Josh, man..What happened back there didn't look like okay. I feel bad for-"

"Mike there isn't a reason you should feel bad, I freaked out, someone probably laced a blunt and I had some." Truthfully, Josh hadn't smoked in a bit, and with all the different medication he was being put under monthly..maybe it's effects differed, maybe it initiated a psychotic episode..but why is he fine now? Is what he's seeing real right now? Is he even in a car? Is..Mike a spy? This is insane..Josh places his fingertips to Mike's shoulder. Mike is confused but let's it happen. 

"It was probably a bad panic attack." Which is true, if everything that just played out is real, that is. Josh will drink and it'll all pass. He doesn't need sympathy, especially not Mike's, he'll manage without it. "I don't need you to feel bad for me." You already said that Josh..you're being dick-ish.

"Dang man, I'm just looking out for you. I feel guilty, y'know?" You tell em' Mike. Don't let that macho pride be broken down by some weirdly attractive, alcoholic rock band singer with a nice ass.

"I said don't. I'm literally older than you-"

"You're older by a few months!"

"A year-"

"And barely look it-" Get him, Mike.

"Hey! My point is that I should've known I'm not built to go to parties anymore, man. I've passed my prime."

"You're ridiculous." They may be squabbling like kids, but remember dear readers, they are adults.

"I'm sexy."

"If I admit that, will you promise me you're okay." Now they're squabbling like a newly-wed couple, Josh takes a few steps back (figuratively, because they're still in a car).

"I'm waiting for the no homo." Josh notes, Mike, again, figuratively, goes red as a tomato. (Because this doesn't actually happen, but it's cute to think about).

"Hey, I can admit when a guy's attractive, bro. I'm comfortable in myself." A defense? It almost worked.

"Mike, no offense, you reek of hetero fishing, axe body spray and homophobia." Don't stereotype, Josh. That's just rude.

But it clicked in Mike's head..well, something did..it wasn't the truth, or something smart but it was there. Maybe the reason he's not the most comfortable around Josh because he is homophobic. It's stupid, it isn't that. 

"You went white as a ghost, Mikey. I was joking..unless I nailed it right on the spot." Now Josh is just being cynical, playing at Mike's ego. He may or may not be an asshole. 

Mike swallows his pride and stops the car. "We're here, asshole." Cars out of ignition, it's time to roll.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this'll be a two parter because i physically cant write more of this, so next chapter is mike and josh at a bar


	10. Is The World Strange?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike and Josh are dumb, and stupid, and a little drunk. 
> 
> Something stars waking up inside of Mike's mind, he doesn't like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOO what a hiatus, school is an ASS. anyway, uhhhhhh, i am back, with the same dumb fic for the same almost dead fandom with even deader ship,,,,but, have this mess, i havent written anything in months so the quality is significantly worse
> 
> Also happy birthday Brett Dalton :D

"Wake up, party people!" Josh's voice rang through the tiny walls of the bar. Surprisingly they didn't get jumped, or kicked out. The small room was filled with middle aged men, 'filled' used strongly. A booth or two occupied with some miserable looking men. Josh's first thought was

'These motherfuckers will hate crime me'.

Then he relaxes, he has a heterosexual of his own, and Mike sure as hell visits the gym more often than any of the low-life, wife-beating, divorced assholes in here. Not to hype him up too much, since God knows if Mike will even try and protect him after that entrance. The dude slyly apologizes to the tired bartender that awaited them. The word 'ID' almost slipped from his tongue, if it weren't for the fact that the business was holding onto it's last strings of life. Who is he to police who can and can't drink. "What can I get for you two?"

They make their orders, and if this author knew anything about alcoholic beverages and what to order, he'd write it here, but since it's clear as day this is a glamourized writing of how teenagers act, let's pretend it's what every teen orders in a pub. They settle down, with their drinks, sure of themselves that they'll order more and let whatever conversation ensue.

"You sure you can drink?" Mike inquired just as the rim of the glass pressed to Josh's lips. He faltered, yet took his drink. What a dumb question.

"Of course I can, do I look like someone who can't handle his drinks?" Precisely, let's not forget the past Josh.

"Yes, yeah. Yeah you do. And with what happ-"

"Ah, ah. No, I don't wanna hear that shit. I thought we're here to forget 'bout what happened." He shuts down the line of questioning before it begins. 

As much as I'd like to push the whole 'macho himbo chad' narrative on Mike, he's not necessarily stupid. Tone-deaf? Borderline. But not stupid. He can distinguish a bad panic attack, and he can understand when someone doesn't want to talk about something. And..he did want to be the person that helps Josh take his mind off things. Be a friend, yeah..friend. Not a therapist. Mike doesn't fit for a therapist anyway.

"Alright. Let's talk about something else then." A declaration, an invitation, Mike's been doing an awful lot of conversation starting, let Josh do something. 

"Hm, what do little old me and Michael Munroe have in common.." Josh taps his pointer finger against his chin, looking too animated, sit-commy for Mike's liking. "I'm struggling, help me out here." And this was true, they didn't have an awful lot in common. Rich families? Sure. What was there to distinguish other than class?

"We don't gotta have things in common to talk.." Mike attempts, but it's clear from his tone that he's thinking as well. "I wanna hear you talk, we haven't had an awful lot of conversations. Talk to me about..hm, music. You like music, I like listening to you-, your music." Mike glosses over a slip up. Even natural born charmers stutter sometimes. 

"Music huh? I do like music." Josh ignores it too, it seems. This whole 'oops-accidentally flirted' thing is getting boring isn't it? "Well here's something. After tonight, I'm really doubting the whole new years party thing." Emphasis on the really. Mike's ears perk up. "Hannah's been almost insisting, Beth thinks it's a good idea, blah blah, but-"

"I think it's a good idea." Mike perks up before Josh even finishes. It caught Josh off guard, that's why the dude has this dumb-founded look on his face for a solid second. "Sorry, parties get me riled up." Frat boy covers it up with a wink. Josh rolls his eyes.

"That much I know. I don't think my opinion matters that much-" There was a sad undertone in his voice, since when did Mike become so observant? "The band performance is up to me, I'm sure there'll be a party either way." 

"Let me try and convince you then," Mike's preparing his arguments already? Slow down tiger. "You get to preform your music, have an awesome time. Get people riled up. Anddd, not to play devil's advocate but what's better than pissing off your parents by holding a concert in their house." Was Mike using Josh's broken parental relationship to get this house-party concert thing to happen? Quite possibly. Josh purses his lips together.

"Hmmm, you might have a point but-" Josh stops himself, he can tell Mike is already coming up with a solution for every single issue Josh would bring up. "Mike, I'm supposed to be the stubborn one."

"Says who?" Now they're acting like almost-adults.

"Says me-! Y'know what..fine. But if I get tired, too drunk, or anything happens you better have spare room at your place."

"Bet." Bold one Mike. Why would such a straight hetero bro say something so boldly knowing he has one bed in his apartment? Is this a set up for a future sharing the bed plotline? Probably, our dear author hasn't decided yet. Was that oxymoronic? 

Who cares, Mike sure doesn't. He knows he'd convinced his peer by just the smile he was rocking. "You win this one, Munroe."

"I always win." He winks, completely normal bro wink. 

Is what Josh writes it off as. Trying his darn hardest to ignore the burning itch in his stomach. Why'd he feel like that? "If you'd consider wasting a perfectly good party night in a run down pub with me a win..good on you. Personally I wouldn't, to each their own." He pushes it away. As per always.

"I wouldn't call it a lose either. It's a good switch up, anyway. Sometimes routines need breakin'." That was way too serious of an answer for a joke. Josh grins anyway.

"Hey, I'll drink to that." Josh rises his glass slightly, then quaffed half of his drink down. When life gives you strange feelings towards your friend, push it down with alcohol, am I right? Come to think of it, Josh pushes down most things with alcohol. That can't be good for his mental state..nor his liver.

Mike's silent agreement is taking a swig from his own, although not gulping it down like Josh did. 

"I have a question though-" Josh speaks before the burn in his throat stopped. He needs to give himself reasons to be screwed over. "Why do you want me to be there so bad, the party will happen either way, ya know-"

"I just want to have you around more, is it a crime?" Defensive, Michael. Calm your nerves.

"Maybe you just wanna watch me perform." Now the wink exchanged didn't give off a vibe of a total bro wink. Something stirred in Mike and he was dipping in and out of full defense mode. There's no reason for the inner conflict that began happening the moment Mike fully comprehended what happened.

"Come on now," Good start Michael. "I could go for some good music while making out with some hottie." Asserting dominance in the best possible way. And perhaps almost could've worked, yet Mike heard the sound of his ego crumbling when Joshua fucking Washington let out one of the most overbearing, boisterous laughs he's ever heard. He also felt the stares of annoyed men from around them. Mike would've loved to laugh along, because Josh's laugh was welcoming, but this was his ego at stake. "What's so funny?"

Josh took a few seconds to compose himself, his face almost red from laughing. It wasn't /that/ funny, he's just laughing to cover up whatever the pang in his chest was. "Mike, I honestly didn't think your masculinity was that fragile." Those are fighting words, Josh.

"What's that supposed to mean, I'm not fragile-" Immediately into defense mode. Of course he knows what Josh means, he's just upset because Josh was right. 

"It was a joke, big guy. The more you blabber the more you'll prove my point. Word of warning." Goddamn it, Washington. Mike has an option here, usually, he'd play the game. Always end it with a 'no homo', but something here was different, something felt off when it was with Josh..was Mike homophobic? Was all of this because Mike felt an inner disgust with Josh's sexuality? It couldn't be...Why'd he feel guilty all of a sudden? Guilty, upset and a little warm. Actually, the temperature was way too summery for a winter night. Why was he warm? "Oookay, we're getting silent, I guess." The initial feeling of guilt began flaring flames when Josh looks away, his voice small, awkward.

"Sorry, sorry, I was just thinking of how to rebuttal such an amazing point." With a drip of sarcasm, most of his wording was meant to be genuine. And it seemed as if it was, but there was still a slight panic scattered on his face, Josh ignored it, because the alcohol told him to. 

"Ah, what kind of lawyer are you gonna be?" What followed was a chorus of 'tsk tsk tsk's and an unreadable expression from both parties. 

"How'd ya know I'm in law school?" There was no malicious intent behind his wording, not an accusatory tone, both even cracked a smile.

"I've heard some things." And Josh was obviously joking with his tone, but there was that boiling feeling in Mike's stomach again. His nerves got shaky the moment Josh's voice went lower, a bit slow and breathy. 

"All good things?" Mike attempts to play along with the joke, if there is one, assuming he just finished Josh's sentence. But the latter gives one of those Cheshire smiles. The tail ends of his mouth perk up and he covers it with the glass.

"D'ya want me to be honest or-" Obviously he's joking, so why does Mike feel intimidated? What did Josh think of him, really? Posture change for Mike, he doesn't want to seem as if his ego is wounded, a lot of ego talk tonight. 

"You wound me, Washington." To this Josh makes finger guns and mocks the motion. "What have I done to warrant such behavior, hm?" Two could play at the low breathy tone game, it seems. Mike just needs to imagine Josh isn't Josh and he'll be fine, maybe the temperature could go down that way as well. But Josh is Josh, and Josh being Josh saw this as his cue to be...well, Josh.

"Lotta naughty things, it seems." His tongue presses to the roof of his mouth to create a sound, and Mike felt something pang in his stomach...again. No, this won't do. It's too early for the sexual tension and sexuality questioning. Mike won't go on like this.

"Woe is me, I guess." Whatever advancement Josh was pushing onto him, he buries six feet underneath, by gulping down whatever was left of his drink. He needs to steer away from this conversation. Another conversation starter? He'll order more drinks and start anew. "Refill? Or something different?" Josh takes this as his cue to also empty the walls of his glass.

"Refill, thanks." Maybe this place needs to hire some workers that have a wish to work, take their orders at their booth, yet Mike doesn't mind. The few seconds he'll take to go and fetch new drinks he'll use for attempting to form a sober thought. The flickering light from across the room, and the stirring in his stomach didn't make the situation feel right. A night in December should never feel this warm, it's wrong, it makes him feel wrong in his own body. Even speaking doesn't feel right, his mouth works on autopilot whilst he orders. Was he proper drunk? Maybe someone laced something...he feels wrong. The world feels wrong. A conflicting battle of dread and excitement whirls in his stomach when he turns to face Josh again.

The silence is painful, even more painful to watch Josh downing the new drink almost half down. Was this to avoid him? "Let's try this again." Mike clears his throat, plasters on a smile and leans in. "Have you written any new songs lately?" There's no way to mess this line of questioning up. He takes the simper Josh puts on as a personal victory.

"Well, I wouldn't say anything is finished but I've been adding some new chords to different progressions, to find a new melody, y'know? I kind of just wanna focus on finishing something, cause' lately all I have is half-written messes." There's this shining spark in Josh's eye as he speaks about his music, something about the way his voice sounds makes Mike want to listen even if he doesn't understand. 

"I wouldn't say they're messes." This is an attempt to contribute to the conversation. "Unfinished masterpieces." Now he's just being cheesy. Since when was Mike so into music?

"Oh no, they're definitely messes." A wave of laughter to remove whatever lasting tension from before. "Sometimes I'll have a melody I like but there's no way it'll go with anything written."

"Well either way, you gotta show me something new soon. I like the way you write." Those words caused for something within Josh to heat up again. The smile he was rocking was the most genuine of the night. He really needs to learn how to accept a compliment and move on. 

"Thanks, man. You have to wait until I'm done with something, though. I don't like showing off things I haven't finished." Mike's set of thoughts changed. That definitely isn't true, is it?

"But what about a few nights ago?" Mike challenged Josh's words.

"Special occasion." The nature of his voice made it seem like that's all he would give up. Of course Mike wouldn't know about the situation with Chris, and he shouldn't...and he won't. As much as the confusion in Mike's mind began flaring, he didn't press the topic any further. Visually, he imagined a balloon, such a silly image. Yet visualizing his issues was always his way to find solace in situations. If you add too much pressure to the balloon, it'll pop, explode...and you won't have the balloon anymore. Josh was the balloon. 

"I'm honored. Wait actually-" Now he visualizes a lightbulb above his head. "It's my birthday soon, would you consider that a special occasion?" There's this persuasive edge to his words and Josh can't deny him this. 

"When's that? Just so I can prepare." Smooth.

"January seventh. I'm leaving on the eight to visit family but I'm sure we can make it happen." This one-on-one time with Josh wasn't doing him any good on the mind, yet it was enticing in the strangest way. Balloons do have a magnetic power to them don't they? With enough friction they'll pull you in. There's a metaphor somewhere in there. 

"It's a date then." Josh finishes the rest of his new drink, sets it down, and with the proudest smile he'd worn all night he let's out a "No homo."


	11. Heather

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family dinner and Josh realizing he's not that wanted by those in his life. `

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> family dynamic time!   
> josh's parents wont be very present in the story but i need to set the tone as to why josh is the way he is so
> 
> also it wasnt supposed to have any climbing class bUT i also wanted to explore that dynamic more because i was listening to those "second choice" playlists and kinda self projected also they're totally playing minecraft even though it doesn't really say that
> 
> the song is heather by conan gray :D

"Where's Joshua?" Her voice would've passed as that of a loving mother if it weren't for the consuming undertone of venom, of boredom. She's played this game one too many times. Mother's love, it shines through in the strangest places. In the strangest forms, in the weirdest ways. Would you question it? 

"He said he's not hungry." One of the twins spoke up, the media gets them mixed up, why wouldn't they? 

"We're leaving soon, he can't get himself up to spend a little time with his family?" Now him, his voice was much stronger, much angrier. But he's holding onto a border, to not let it spill. 

"I don't know, dad. I didn't wanna force him." It's Hannah, she's the one that spoke. Though she was there, her face screamed that she'd rather be anywhere else. But wasn't it that way for them all? Why do they bother anymore, to pretend that everything is as it should be.

"Go fetch him. I'm not letting his bad mood ruin dinner." If a mother were to love, would she ever show off a nurturing kindness to her? Are we just playing on stereotypes? Is the media's portrayal not to be trusted, does the media ever lie? Why would they? Melinda Washington is obviously the most outstanding example of a young mother. What a dream, married to the rich man of her dreams, with three loving, happy children. So why do her nerves get so twisted when the chair next to her produced screech, only for her eldest to sit right beside her.

"I'm here, Han, no need." It seems like one member decided to not pretend for the day. His eyes, as always, sunken, tired, tinted red, just to play a fun game of guess what substance is Josh on. His lips pressed so neatly, to express his state of ennui to his family. 

"Put on a smile, will ya? What happened to the Christmas cheer?" His father asks him. At the head of the table, his distress could've looked intimidating to an average on-looker. 

"Christmas is in a few days, dad." This time it was Beth making remarks on the situation.

"And guess who won't be there." Josh, now sporting the most fraudulent grin he could pull, playing on this faux excitement, mimicking the tone of a child, ready to open his present. His sisters cringed mentally from across, while his mother and father didn't seem amused. "Oh come on, laugh a little." His lips part for an exasperated sound to leave. 

"I'm not playing your stupid games, Joshua." His father concludes, good one Bob, that'll show em. "We'll be gone for weeks, why do you want to start a fight before we leave?" The atmosphere drops in temperature. Nobody's smiling.

"I'm not starting a fight." Josh's gray eyes fall onto his food plate, it's pointless bickering, he won't waste his energy on it. On the bright side, they'll be gone. Maybe Chris is free to drink off his frustrations with him, albeit Chris' frustrations probably consist of video game anger and Ashley not talking to him today. If not he'll do it on his own.

"Anyways. Beth, you're the most responsible-"

"I have to keep things in check, blah blah. I get it mom. We go through this every other month." Beth would rather not hear this again. Socialites drive her anger, socialites don't deserve a word of mouth. What does she know of responsibility anyways? What is responsible in having a vague role in your children's lives? Neither her, nor her greedy parasite of a father know anything about responsibility. 

Silence always consisted of hostility to Josh, yet even silence would be a better alternative to the tense scraping of a knife to porcelain and various chewing from around him. He could stay or he could use the expensive wine next to him as a starter to his night...well it'd be a shame to leave his glass empty and unused. One drink and he's gone. When Josh was young, these special occasion family dinners were the only thing he'd look forward to. To score a casual glimpse of both his mother and father, not rushing, not coming up with any excuse to ignore him. And back then that was nice. It was nice until he found out it wasn't the norm, he found out that parents sit down and do the homework with their kids, sit down for dinner together almost nightly, that parents need to be present when their kid reaches a milestone of any sort. Josh remembers losing his first tooth, his parents weren't there, they weren't there at any of his school plays, or even his first day. Never attended parent meetings in person. His dad never taught him how to shave, or threw a ball towards him to catch. His mom never hung up a drawing on the fridge, or gave him a warm motherly smile. So he learned to get their attention. 

Starting fights at dinner, or causing trouble at school became his specialties. Those same family dinners that presented a light became the bane of his existence. But he doesn't have the right to complain, there's always food on the table. Always got what he asked for, bed to sleep in, what more is he asking for?

His mother's expensive wine began tasting bitter, maybe he won't need that big of a pre-game anyway. His feet felt the weight of his body as he stood up. "Right, hope you all have a great night, a great trip. I'm going back upstairs." 

"You didn't even touch your food-" Hannah attempts to call for her brother. 

"Not hungry. Just wanted to see everyone before they left." Yeah, right. He offers a smile anyway. His parents offer one in retaliation. Even something as simple as a smile caused wars. 

"It wouldn't kill him to sit through one dinner." The moment he's out of sight Bob begins complaining, typical, routines are a favorite at the Washington residence, for example;

Bob Washington, proud father and husband, likes directing movies, going at social gatherings to boost his ego and pretending his devastating hair loss doesn't affect his confidence. Everyday he enjoys far too expensive alcohol, it's the kind that helps him listen to his wife for more than 15 minutes without blowing up. His anger isn't the only thing he keeps hidden from the media, and his son wasn't the only thing hiding in the closet. So his routine consists of rich people things, such as making sure the media doesn't uncover any dirty laundry, drinking and bottling up anger.

On the topic of his wife, Melinda, their age gap isn't the only thing worrying in their relationship. She couldn't care less about whatever age her three children are, since the only digits that concern her are those on her husband's cards, maybe the digits of some men more her age and style. Why being a socialite is hard after-all, having to walk around and act as if you love your husband is exhausting, luckily for her, all those wrinkles have no place on her expensive face. Expensive leather face to go along with all of her expensive leather clothing. Cheating motherhood was almost as easy as cheating on her husband, if you only consider the fact he barely cares. Trust me, it's an enigma why they're still together to all of us. Almost as much of an enigma her own children's birthdays are to her. Routines are a must for her, such as spending whatever the limit is daily, and making sure her husband actually looks good enough to earn whatever she spends, figuratively of course, time wasn't so kind to Bob's appearance, at least there's some hope for those kids.

Ah, of course. The kids! What are their routines? Well, firstly we have the twins, maybe their parents can't tell them apart but they're vastly different. Beth for example, is going through her slightly rebellious phase where she insists she's a lesbian. Her parents weren't as upset on this discovery as much as they were about their eldest, but nevertheless she'll be asked if she's seeing some boy routinely, even if they'd both met her girlfriend...thrice. But her attendance at school is well, and she's well-behaved at the dinner table, so both the twins face a tad of favoritism. Hannah, however, even if she is the beaming pride of her parents' heterosexuality, she has a tendency to be louder, and more outgoing, and when your meant-to-be caregivers have constant hangovers whenever they're home, it doesn't fly as well. Maybe ranking your children isn't the healthiest for them, but people constantly mistaking them hasn't had that bad of a toll on their sistership. When your entire family is emotionally unavailable, you learn to grow closest to those there. And 'there' they've always been to each other, even in the womb! 

Talking about wombs, the first one in there was their older brother and said 'eldest', the star of our show, and probably already getting drunk in his room, Joshua Washington! Now besides a slew of documented mental disturbances, a list of people that want him dead, Josh doesn't just have a tendency to deny his concerning addiction to alcohol, he can also irritate and infuriate his parents like no one else can, call him a professional and he'll respond with a crude joke. Don't be too harsh though, this attention-seeking and borderline annoying humor is his way of coping besides snorting a concoction of his medications, which he's convinced doesn't work...of course they don't work, silly! Maybe it's the trail of misdiagnosis on his medical record, but it seems like all of these expensive private therapists and psychiatrists and psychologists and whatever-the-fuck his parents turn to can't hit the target quite right. Josh can't tell what his issue is either, he knows how to roll a blunt and indulge in self-destructive activities, and it's all he needs to make friends.

Hey, about friends, let's check in what Josh managed to do with his only actual trust-worthy friend. If only his night was going as smooth as the segues our author just pulled on each of those paragraph. Chris had offered to hang out with him, but with the help of an online communication service. Although Josh's ideal scenario was to get drunk enough to not remember his name in the morning, but chugging down a few while playing some video game his bro picked out wasn't necessarily a negative either. A headset wasn't comparable to actually being there in blood, but Josh needs something except his own thoughts swimming through his head.

"Josh, can you hear me?" Well there goes that statement.

"Huh? Yeah, sorry I zoned out." Josh's eyes finally fixate on the screen, his character in-game not moving.

"Can you help me out here? I'm getting my shit rocked!" Meanwhile Chris' was being mauled by the programmed enemies.

"Hell yeah you are." With that, Josh can practically hear Chris roll his eyes. He goes over to help his struggling friend.

"Don't even start with that shit," Josh can hear the clicking of buttons from Chris, not knowing if he's frustrated by Josh's implications or by the overall annoyance of constantly losing his health bar to mediocre video game mobs.

"Come on now, Cochise." His persistence would get aggravating soon, Chris is a good decision maker, something Josh can never relate to, it inspires this type of envy Josh can't explain to himself let alone others, but also something that Josh needs and wants in his life. The type of balance that keeps him slightly behind the edge. 

"Josh I-" And then when something gets awkward he pulls out this tone of voice, and gets overwhelmed. Josh doesn't mind being let down anymore, and he can never blame Chris. Maybe he needs a reason to finally get himself to cry and let out his frustrations. Talk about unhealthy coping. "Let's just not go down that lane." Because of course Chris knows where comments like the ones Josh was making took them. "It's not fair to As-"

"Ashley. No, I get it." No malicious undertone spotted, good going. Maybe a little bit of hurt but he's just letting out some leftover anger from the tension between them. "Sorry, it's just the alcohol." And Josh appreciates Chris keeping him in check...he just wishes things could go back to their pointless flirty comments with no repercussions. Maybe this is life telling him to grow up, forever stuck in this headspace where growing old was a danger, a challenge. He just wants to be a kid again..

"Thanks, you need health?" Great switch-up, focusing on the game was better anyways. Josh complies, he didn't want to be the reason the mood was down all the time. 

"Are you gonna build a base at all?" 

"Why? You kicking me out, man?" Chris puts up a front of faux offense. Josh snickers.

"Nothing like that, it's just you said you were gonna make one is all." This was nice as well. Chris was good at changing subjects, it's practically like Josh and Chris were made for each other- ah shit. Here we go again. 

"Are my efforts not enough for rent?"

"Considering you almost got killed by one of the easiest mobs.." Josh trails off his sentence, leaving interpretation to do the rest of his work. 

"Hey! You saw how many there were!" Now Chris does sound offended, his pride wounded at last. 

"I'll let you off the hook this time." So considerate. "Anyways, I was gonna tell ya-" Chris can hear Josh grab for something and drink. "I was gonna ask you more of. You know my parents are basically gone for the holidays, Beth and Han wanted to throw a new years party, and well, Beth wants to like have a little performance with the band."

"Performance?" The consideration in his words can be sensed.

"Yeah, a small set-list, don't worry. I didn't wanna do it at first because Beth and Hannah's group of friends are, uh not my kind of crowd but-" Josh pauses for a minute, thinking through his words, if not almost embarrassed of his upcoming sentence. "Mike convinced me to do it."

"Mike?" Chris immediately jumped on the simple name, just as expected. What were Mike and Josh doing together, more importantly, why would Mike set Josh up for such a big fall?

"Yeah, there was a party a few nights ago and he asked me to go but I freaked out, like something happened to me and we went out to some bar downtown."

"Mike Munroe? We're thinking of the same Mike? He left the party with you?" Why was Chris being so apprehensive? Well enough, Mike was known to be a selfish prick that probably will leave you hanging but I thought we've established to not judge people by rumors. But what is a barely legal young adult supposed to think when his not very straight best friend is coming to him with the information that he's been getting all buddy-buddy with one of the biggest pro-'no-homo' dudes in town. The same 'no-homo' dude that ignited this spark of a type of jealousy within Chris' mind that he doesn't know how to deal with.

"Yeah? I mean, I know he probably just wants a good party to get shit-faced at but he's good at convincing people, I guess." Josh sounds as if he's putting up defenses already. And anyway, who was Chris to police who he can be friends with? The same Chris that left him alone and blue-balled with the excuse that he doesn't want to ruin their friendship? The same Chris that led him into a sense of security just to drop it for a redhead girl he's known for less than a few years? It doesn't matter anymore, or at least Josh always tells himself this because if he were honest with his feelings he'd be labeled as an asshole, why can't he just move on already? And why does being the second choice still bother him? If he were to spill his guts he'll be the bad guy, so there's no reason to still be upset. Maybe he's just reading this situation wrong, what if Chris, despite his conceited tone, was happy for him? That he's widening his horizon to new people and moving on? 

"You sure? About the party I mean." Never mind then. "I don't mind playing a few songs at all but if a small college party made you panic-"

"I'm not a kid Chris." And finally the pent up irritation he was holding in overflew. Was there a giant 'fragile' sign on his back that everyone can point and laugh at? How do all these people expect him to grow up when they treat him like a child? They complain and whine when he's immature but they treat him like glass. "I can take care of myself, I'm a fucking adult."

"Come on, man, you know I didn't mean it like that.."

"Then what did you mean? Y'know what? If you don't wanna fucking play just say that, I'll sit down with a guitar and play by myself-"

"Josh! Calm the fuck down!" His voice was   
than he meant for it to be, yet it worked. Josh was acting immature, why was he blowing a fuse now? Are we not allowed to be worried about our friends anymore? "I told you already I don't mind playing, am I not allowed to worry?"

"Your worrying is suffocating me, man! It feels like everyone sees me as fucking fragile, I don't wanna be treated like a glass box anymore..." Towards the end of the sentence he trails off, covering the shakiness in his voice and the anger tipping over. He won't apologize this time, he's tired of apologizing all the time. "If you wanna play, cool, if you don't cool. I'll send you which songs we'll play anyway. I gotta log off now." His finger hovers over his mouse, waiting to end the call.

"Good night." Was the last thing he heard before he logged out. His eyes were already stinging and his voice was hoarse. At least he got himself to the crying point. That was his end goal, right? 

Yeah...Joshua Washington, forever mourning his mind. Forever mourning over his losses.


	12. Vanilla Curls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year party time! Woo! It would be a shame if Josh ended up crying at his own house-party, real shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So this was kinda rushed cause i wanted to finish it before the end of january, but i realized the scene was so long i had to split it in two, so now officially as of next chapter we'll have actual washingroe  
> TWELVE CHAPTERS AYO DO YALL KNOW HOW LONG THAT IS??!?!?  
> absolutely not beta read and there's probably a lot of mistakes but were vibing ok?
> 
> song inspos  
> title - vanilla curls - teddy hyde  
> first song they play - evil - ajj  
> and VERY inspired by michael in the bathroom because bmc is all ive been listening to

Contrast is such an important tool in art. In every form of art you can imagine, contrast is what really makes it shine, what makes it special. What's even more special is that if you look at the world from a certain lens there's contrast everywhere in. In most cases this would summarize as beautiful, nothing much of white fabric on black, or the aging process of humanity, the certain tempo speed-ups in songs, like two pm when the sun is at it's zenith, and two am when the sky is infested with phosphorescent freckles made of light. And fairly enough, it was beautiful.

But in cases where the contrast of safety comes into say, it's a slightly irritable subject. For me, personally, it's a strange and intriguing concept of how one moment a certain place makes you feel safe, protected and shielded and next, with a slight temperament to it's aura it can feel unwelcoming, those initial animalistic senses humans have, they work in such weird ways. Sometimes you can sense a disaster hours in advance. Maybe it's preternatural, abnormal...any other synonym to hint at something paranormal, but it's wired in our brains, in our souls. That's a long enough prologue don't ya think? It's a party! We should lighten up.

Better yet, Josh should lighten up...figurately, since decking out his outfit with color clearly wasn't a go-to. Yet if our little rambling showed us anything, if Josh wasn't allowed to feel safe within his own home, at least he'd wear what brought him most comfort, and perhaps blending with the darkness was his comfort. The only activity he wants to focus on is setting up his equipment for a half-assed party show. That sinking feeling from earlier? The probably paranormal build up where you can tell that there's something horrible coming? Yeah, he's shoved it as down as he could. We could make another analysis of the human brain here. How when you force yourself to forget something really hard it's end result is usually thinking about it nonstop. Something as convoluted as the brain has decades of back-bending research, funnily enough, it's just researching itself. This got weird. But that's a way to forget, isn't it? A weird amount of thoughts to keep you sedated. As much as psychology and the cerebrum were intriguing topics to Joshua, the task at hand, wiring, was irritating him, and being on the verge of a tantrum isn't the clearest mind-space...The other's would handle it, he'll just tune his things. Sam would get to it, of course, the same Sam that has only half of her drum-set set up. 

"Are people here already?" A realization hits Josh, there's a group of overly excited teenagers walking around and touching the Washington's way-too-expensive furniture, a realization that sends a bout of panic down Josh's spine. 

"Pre-gamers. It's kinda awkward at first but soon there's gonna be more people." Gee, thanks Beth, that sure calmed Josh's nerves. They seemed to be friends with Hannah, since she's the one walking around with them. Pride can swell another day, of course he's proud of his younger sisters, they've grown into likeable and amazing people, stable, sane, serious about their future. All of those words beginning with s's, there's been no one in his corner to slap him over the hand to tell him envy is a bad feeling. He was made to be envied, why would there be anything to be resentful of? He can't blame the fact he doesn't know the first basics of interacting with people on his parents, well he could, but he'd rather not give himself slack for not overstepping it. How come Beth and Hannah have dozens of associates they'd call friends, they all had the same parents...So Josh had made an error in his pathing, obviously. 

"Uh, has anyone heard from Chris?" Discomfort wasn't anything new, but it's making it really hard to be cool about looking forward to playing a show when one of his bandmates and, admittedly, his closest friend is nowhere to be seen. Chris had given Josh the heads-up that he'd come, was he that pissed off from Josh that he'd lie? No, Josh is being paranoid. Of course Chris would come. No matter how mad, or upset or irritated he'd get with Josh he wouldn't leave him alone with this.

"No, but he said he'd come?" Sam, Josh notes she finished setting up her equipment and moved to undo and finish the wires he'd abandoned.

"And Mike?" And yet he distracts her, feeling her look up. Why'd that question send alarms? 

"Mike usually shows up late to parties-" Hannah's finished showing their first house-guests around, they'd scattered to look around themselves, or to find alcohol, either or. There's a wave of disappointment, a flicker, for just a moment. Josh covers it up, well, for as long as he needed.

"Who said that?" Speak of the devil...or in this case, Josh's savior for eternal misery and discomfort. Mike enters the room as if he owns the place. It's not late, there isn't that many people here, so why'd he show up?

"Mike?" There's a hint of surprise in Hannah's voice, she's not upset, of course. "Why'd you come so early?"

Mike looks around, and then looks to Josh. He has that stupid Mr. Perfect smile that would infuriate Josh. In walks Christopher Hartley, skittish, face red. "Sorry I'm late, I had a little bit of an issue with my car so I had to ask Mike to drive us both-" 

"Yeah, what he said. I'm not much for showing up early but the Washingtons have a special place in my heart." Mike always speaks with this profound confidence, a little pep in his tone, especially when he's around groups of people. The thought of envy from before? Yeah, double it. 

"You're so sweet, Michael." That was sarcastic, so Josh breaks that wall of distraction to identify Beth as the beholder of such remarks.

"I thought you guys would already have all the instruments set up?" Mike turns to look around, not leading a conversation to a specific person, but his lineage towards Josh was telling. 

"It's pretty early, we figured to play at around nine." So Josh would answer, Chris instinctively his wristwatch. 

"It's seven, I wouldn't call it that early-" As if on cue, there's seemingly two different groups of people coming through the front door. It's already too crowded. 

"To be fair, most of these instruments are expensive as hell, and I don't really trust drunk eighteen year-olds around them." Mike laughs from that. It wasn't even that funny, Josh takes it as a mental note. No humor.

"Y'have a point. I'm glad you decided to play though." Mike still kept his smile, but there's a look of sincerity behind it. Josh wished he didn't pick up on that one, he wished he didn't offer a sincere one back. 

"I think it'd be a nice change. I mean if we didn't, Han and Beth would throw the party and I'd end up having to either convince Chris to ditch people to hang or wallow in my room." 

"Come on now, why would I have to ditch when you could've just joined." Chris defends, Mike's smile fails to hold the same sincerity now that Chris is involved in the conversation. 

"Let's be honest, your mom is a sweetheart but I'd rather dodge the 'do you have a girlfriend' questions. And if Ash decided to hang out with you, I'd rather not watch, Cochise." Josh found that one funny, so did Mike. Chris' face took it as an opportunity to turn a shade redder. 

"I'd hang out with you." Meanwhile Mike takes that as an opportunity to slide his way back into conversation, partially an opening to cut Chris out of said conversation. Was that selfish? Why would there be a reason to make it a two-player game? Chris seemed pissed off about that one. Josh's grin isn't as sincere.

"Sure you would-" Josh's hands curl around the neck of his guitar, setting it in position to tune it to his liking. "Michael Munroe would totally ditch one of the biggest parties of the year to hang out with Joshua Washington." The thought of it made Josh laugh, his eyes diverted from any and all action as he moves his digits to turn and tune the pegs. Mike almost physically deflated, Chris takes it as a win in his book. Were they fighting over someone's attention like children? Potentially.

"Well, I'd be in your house, and your room and I'd be hanging out with you. Win win?" And there he goes speaking with the same assurance from before. 

"Just you or you and whatever hottie you decided to woo for the night?" Josh is still quick with his tongue, and his fingers apparently...while moving them down the guitar, of course. What else. 

"Give me a break, dude." Mike's voice sounds slightly exasperated. "Trying my hardest over here." Chris has an expression hinting at words playing at an escape, but mostly he looked, and accordingly, felt very awkward. At last the decision was made to leave Josh and Mike alone. 

"I'm just joking, man. Don't worry. I'd totally love to hang out with you in this alternate universe where I decided not to play." He brings up the mood easily. The flow of the conversation felt like it was in his hands, yet he liked talking to Mike. It was refreshing to have blond strands to cry over be replaced with slightly-too-dark to be auburn styled hair. 

"There you go, now you got the spirit." Josh keeps his eyes on Mike when the latter moves to look at their equipment, knowingly clueless, and possibly disinterested. "So what are you guys gonna play?"

"Mostly the same songs from our last show but we have some new stuff." Entertaining the question was the easy part, arguing whether Mike really cared or not deep down wasn't. "I'm kinda excited to play this one song, it's different from most the stuff we do...softer, yanno?" Finally he let's go of the heavy-set instrument, letting it rest against the speaker next to them. 

"Oh? Which one's that?" If Mike was faking this whole sincerity thing, it's real hard to pick up any dirt on his bona fide. "I mean, I'm sure I'll hear it when you play, if it's so different."

And there's a great contrast between brown and blue as well. A glint of hickory can be spotted even under the dim lighting, it keeps you in a trance for as long as you'll allow yourself to look. Boring in with an expectancy. They had so much in common in that sense. Never to compare, it'd be cruel, yet it's so hard not to. Such a great contrast...but it reels in the same feeling somewhere in the complexities of Josh's mind. And he'd stare...for a bit he'd let himself stare.

"Oh, uh-I...Uh sorry, I just." But just like thin, fragile ice it shatters. Reality sets in and the blue takes it's lead. "I uh, yeah. It's called, um, vanilla curls." Taking in whatever scenery that's not a certain chestnut that lit up a certain feeling. 

On the contrary end, Mike's face doesn't fail to wear his confusion proudly, as if he's itching to ask why the sudden switch in tone and the slight shift in ambiance, and why had it bothered him? And mostly, why wasn't Josh looking into his eyes anymore? "Vanilla, huh? Knack for blondes?" 

Now Josh really needs a drink, the feeling of welcoming a Munroe in his space wasn't as fun anymore. And he moves a little away, and then a bit more...And when there's enough space, he looks into the ember. "I'm gonna go get a drink, man. Hope you don't miss me too much-" He wouldn't stay to hear a reply, not with the heat rising to his cheeks and his body feeling revolted, and sick, and he needs something to lull the feeling of dread again. It wasn't a fresh wound, but it's disconcerting because it stung. Josh was sore, he'll admit it. But being a sore loser was a go-to these days. Losing was an art and Josh was an artist. And currently he's losing his chill because departing from Mike straight into a group of almost-strangers wasn't his proudest of ideas. He grounds himself using the wall, ironically. The texture it provides against his fingers was comforting, at least he's home. He'll ignore the sudden stinging in his chest, and he'll power through, get a drink and have a nice time. And he repeats this to himself over and over until his hands are finally gripping at a red colored cup. There's enough alcohol for the whole night, yet if he needed something stronger, there's always bottles he kept hidden somewhere around his room. If he needed to kill off his senses, and forget all and any soreness. 

"You good?" The grip of the hand set him back into reality, made him aware of how he was breathing. "You look pale." Josh turns to look at Sam, there's concern behind her ice.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good. I just need to drink-" As if to show, there's motion in his hand, it's grounding to see the liquid inside splash and move around. "A lot." And so he almost chugs down half of whatever he had inside. 

"We need you standing to sing, you'll forget the lyrics, come on." Although there's always a shadow of humor behind, Josh can tell she's being genuine. Serious. That maternal ache in his chest tightens, leave it to his mind to make it all strange. 

"Yeah, I'll limit myself. Don't worry." So he plays for her comfort, a language he's used to show his appreciation. "I'm gonna go look for Chris, have you seen him?" And as usual he finds reasons to leave, yet wanting to preoccupy his thoughts with familiarity. The strain between Chris and he is getting bad and Josh can't handle that. 

"I saw him near the set, but I think Ash came so he might be somewhere with her." He tries to not make the disappointment evident on his face. "But the instruments are your best bet, he's probably panicky about anything breaking." Josh can't have it in himself to even mutter a thank you. His feet move and his main focus is the floors. Acting as if he doesn't register anybody helps, and he does his best to not touch or push against anyone.

"Hey man." And to deal a colossal blow to his patience, Ashley was there, and he distinctly notices himself interrupting, and somehow he was still the one bothered. "Sorry to interrupt, just don't have anyone else to hang out with." The sympathy in their smiles poisoned him. Pent up anger and all, and no one but himself to direct it to. 

"It's all good, I'm excited to see you guys play!" And the five feet and whatever was of Ashley just being so kind to him at all times was making him sick, guilt. Sailing down that way again was dangerous, because guilt was like an eternal entity. A sweet mother that cradles him at night, softly touching his cheek and momentarily he catches himself staring again. 

"Thanks, I'm more nervous but." It weird and rude to stare, that nurturing voice he's developed warns and warns over again. "I feel like I'm gonna throw up." And concern is a running theme in our story, so it's fair to see his company troubled by his words. 

"You can do this, man. Just pretend that all of these assholes are on their phones." Now there's a smile back on Josh's face, it was fairly funny. The statement and it was endearing how Chris knows this stupid tactic of using humor to cheer Josh up.

"They probably will be if we don't give em' a reason to look, Cochise." Suddenly the plastic of the cup enticed him to play along with it. The mold, the crevices, he needs to ground himself, again. 

"Come on now, we'll do great." Beth and Sam were nearing them too. Had it already been time to preform? They hand Josh another solo cup.

"You'll need it." And he would, he'd only had one drink and by all of the people grouping and staring he would need more. 

"Thanks. Are we playing soon?" Beth takes her cue to check around if everything was plugged in and ready to go. Josh knows, by just the sheer amount of people that had managed to come inside and by the smell of alcohol that it's probably time to play, but he held onto that hope that maybe he had enough time to run away, back out. But he wont, so the plastic lingers on his lip before he allows himself to chug at the burn, the faster he downs it, the faster it's effects will play their role.

"Check, check." Sam's voice was loud through the mic, Josh almost jumped...almost. But the fact that he knows soon it's his voice that would be booming through the microphone was unnerving, and the dozens of faces he can't force himself to remember are burning into his sheer image. He picks up his instrument and let's Beth do the talking.

"Thank you for all of you guys for showing up tonight." Her own mic was turned down slightly from his, but the chatter wasn't loud enough to tune her out. "To get drunk and party, and we decided to play a little set to make it that much special." There's random cheers, dudes already drunk enough or pretending to be. Each of them test out their instruments respectively, and for a few moments Josh tunes out the chatter and voices and looks around. He spots Hannah, Matt next to her with a few of their other friends. Mike was standing next to Emily and Jessica, there's people he recognizes among them, some worse than others, not one he could call above average.

And so he strums the first few chords, then he mutters a countdown and the music begins fully. He plasters this stupid smile, to not seem as if he'd rather be anywhere else. To play off some illusion that their presence isn't bothersome, yet he knows himself, and deep down-

"No one will know how evil I really am, no one will know how evil I really am." His strumming is aggressive, he plays it off because it's just the tone of the song. It helps him feel anything else but the gazes that are falling on him, the random cheers...the dancing. He's supposed to enjoy this attention, and he supposes he does, in some sick way.

"Cause I like to wear disguises, and I like to disguise my plans." And he lets himself differentiate between what he feels and what he does. They're all on their phones, and they don't acknowledge him, so he'll play with gusto to be noticed. "No one will know how evil I really am."

"And no one will know truly how I feel, and no one will know how I truly feel." He begins to think through the accuracy between his statements. Would any of these people sit to gather his perspective? Would they see within themselves to look for similarity inside their own minds.

"Cause I can no longer differentiate between what is fake and what is real." But bearing the vulnerability of someone knowing you is terrifying. "I don't know how I feel." So he'll hide away from himself as well.

"I was born in a hospital...My first two days were spent in the care of nuns." Because if no one, not even Josh himself, knows him, that way there's no one to blame on the hurt he caused. He has no one to blame for that vague hole within his mind that was resembling a childhood. 

"But my mother found it in her to go ahead and take me back." And sometimes lying to himself fills that void of loss. "And I love her." Because lying can't hurt you if you convince yourself it's the truth. In his own disturbing way it's a form of a positive outlook in life. His own cheery definition of optimism.

"And I will always appreciate bad days like this." The wavering in his voice proved his words to an extent he couldn't believe existed, an opening to his heart, letting anyone listening in. "Because they grant me a point of reference in regards to my happiness." In a way all he's ever had were references to work on. Not a guide, yet a hazy ambiguous idea of where he should be, where he should go, who he should be.

"And although I feel cold and empty one day," Never stand to be too loud, if it were okay to talk about his feelings he would've been taught that. "I hope I can feel warm and full." Being hopeful will never be too cool, and being hopeful can never be too harmful. "Stand with honor, and comfort, and dignity." He finally lets the cheering be heard in his mind, drowns out those thoughts and lets himself smile. 

"There we go." Josh hastily moves his eyes around the room, there's expectancy in people's eyes. And he leans into the microphone. "I hope none of you are too drunk, and up for something slower. We'll go back to grinding music in a bit!" He's letting lose, those twisting knots in his stomach, while present, not nearly as bothersome. There's reasoning for everything, and everything has an end result. When you push down on the strings, they let out a chord. It's good to make things simple. And simply, the soreness from before was presenting into a smile. Because when these words were written, Josh didn't feel like a loser, and those simple equations always had a constant, a constant sitting next to him and harmonizing the tune. Yeah, blondes. 

True to Josh's word, the melody of the song was almost foreign, not Josh-like at all. Like seeing candy corn in the gummy worm glass inside the candy store, or better yet something of a drop of rain mid-summer. "I could drown myself in metaphor." And maybe speaking in metaphors is a constant to the equation as well, a way to fill a void? "I could crown your head and catch the floor." All these words read as if they were meant to be sung in a happy tone...possibly not at a college party, and possibly not dedicated as one last 'Fuck you' to the very someone it was dedicated to. 

"Lookin' up at a yellow boy." And yellow and blue were these mixes that brought a sense of high, but an outcome of being a sore loser was always the end result. "He won't cut me free of his vanilla curls." So he'd cut himself free instead, by singing what was once reminiscent of the sweetness of vanilla with a tone similar to the bitterness of dark coffee. Yet something about that shade of brown stood prominent...for just a moment. But he was bitter, and he'd show it, just for the night.

"I'm tied up in his shy and fair-haired fairy prison." The faces in the crowd distract from whatever emotion was beside him, and he lets go of his frustration by remembering what he used to have, because in order to forget that you're a sore loser, you have to forget what you've lost...and what a better way to forget than to remember. Just hazy memories of shy touches and deep kisses and possibly some weed too. "I thought that I was high, but I had barely risen, equipped with private eyes, his stare declared me missing." Yeah, bitter and sore. Whatever his gray and black couldn't do was replaced with gingery-red and green, so he's allowed to be resentful, even for a little longer.

"Tried to talk myself out of it, but I never listen." So he learns, to never let himself get in the way of those warnings. So he was cruel, and his current thought occupiers weren't that faulty, Josh reasons this with the fact that he's always been the envious kind, what a loop.

"Two pairs of bare feet sneak out bearing secret care," Those memories from before? Clouded and blurred, if Josh tried to remember his state of content he'd even become envious of himself. To be content hiding because even hidden away he had what he thought he'd wanted. "Scared to make a scene, but can't bare to let it be." What would've been.

"One stairwell love affair pairs well with twenty beers," But alcoholism went so well with his name, with just how much sorrow caressed his mind late at night, and how all those hidden bottles doubled when he lost. "Can you carry my care dear?" Maybe people caring for him, even faux, was nice, for someone to let you know you're wanted. 

"What will it take?" Asking the real questions here, Josh. "Was this a mistake?" That human instinct to predict a horrible future with just sensing it? That. "I'm paying the price...for those velvet eyes." An ice colored eternal void to burn his skin and his soul. Winter will pass, he'll be warm soon, he'll be okay.

"In a minute he already put my feelings in their place." This time he does turn to Chris slightly, his eyes barely taking in the focused figure he stands next to, his arms tangle around the microphone, and he lets himself swing along to the beat, similar to the pairs of couples in their make-do crowd. "I hate vegetables-" He remembers these bright smiles when he first sung the song, how something could change in such little time was almost artistic. "-but I'd put that stringbean on my plate." His hips sway enough for his attention to be back to the crowd, or rather to a glorified version of summer nights and drinking, some auburn in his hair, and his gray gets stopped by something chestnut, festive. 

"He caught me by the ear and left me lying here in writhing fear." Something stirs in his chest, to realize there's not just one person listening was terrifying, so he lies to himself again. "If I get any deeper, I might need diving gear." Because lying would die out that feeling of tension when that chestnut colored personified summer begins dancing with some girl, Josh doesn't know who she is, yet he won't let himself car enough. 

"Instant kindred inhibition, a kiss then distance." This part had always seemed ironic to Josh, especially now. To think that what they had then had been anything compared to the distance between them now was laughable. "It isn't over, lets call it-" So he lets his eyes wander back to blonde streaks, almost looked darkened in the light, and he's met with a mixture of cerulean, almost idle in their placement, "An infinite intermission." And their contact breaks again. Everything fades into the same melody of the chorus.

"Two pairs of bare feet sneak out bearing secret care  
Scared to make a scene, but can't bare to let it be." His mindless swinging pauses for a second, a second to realize that countless pairs of eyes are on him, staring him down and watching him move. This makes his stammer in his swiftness, a blockage in his mind. "If I'm a bitter cold, then you're the remedy..." What they don't know can never be aired, and he would never let them know. By their tolerance levels or simple idiocy they would never see deep into him. So why does he feel bare? "Can you carry my care dear?" He powers through the chorus. He won't let himself dwell too deep into it, not tonight.

"What will it take?  
Was this a Mistake?  
I'm paying the price  
For those velvet eyes..." His part was done, and he lets his bandmates carry out the rest, the cheering had been accommodating, playing at that need to be validated. So they play on.

They play four more songs, to not stray away from the fact that, at the end of the day, what they were here for was a party. There's an awkward in-between moment when they finish. Where Beth goes to plug into the speakers to let a playlist of trashy hour-made trap music, where Josh begins picking up their instruments and Sam making sure they would be able to secure everything before a teen, too into their daredevil persona, would crash or break something. People wouldn't keep their attention there, they would go back to their drinking games and dancing. But a feeling of apprehension dwells at the pit of Josh's stomach. Now there's no guitar to use as a makeshift barrier to judgement, a way to drown out whatever his peers were to say, a solution to ignoring his issues, even if for the duality of six songs. So he finds a drink instead, if there were someone trying to talk to him, he'd successfully ignored them. 

Something he can't ignore was the burn beginning to rise inside Josh's stomach. How it began getting harder to breathe when he sees Chris, his stupidly large hands tangled neatly between strands of apricot colored hair, a motion of attachment and Josh could only stare. Chris was ice colored, he was the blue. He needed the fiery passion that Josh's grayness couldn't bring. They fit too well together like that, and the stinging in his mind begins worsening. It feels as if he couldn't blame the sharp bitterness in his throat to the alcohol anymore, and it really feels as if his own thoughts would cause him to implode. The way his fingers would tangle to the railing of the staircase no longer work for grounding. Pushing against people was making it hard to think, he was disoriented, he was lost inside his own home, and his own mind. 

Everything he neatly kept bottled up was coming out, inwardly in chaos and wars, the fire was an arsonist's wet dream, outwardly in the shape of panting, his eyes unfocused and distant. He finds his bedroom still unoccupied, and the handle was letting him feel the slightest tad of euphoria before he feels the sharp pain of his knees hitting the ground and his shoulders heaved as pants, trying to intake as much air as his lungs would let him. The fire inside builds up and the glassy look in his eyes is telling as to where this goes. Curses and stutters begin falling from his lips when he hastily begins looking for the hidden bottles of vodka he had. The glass was cold when he first touched it, and it sets in a realization of how warm his body had gotten, even against his lips. 

As Christopher Hartley was downstairs, making out with the girl of his dreams, Josh was making out with the rim of a vodka bottle, and as Christopher Hartley makes sure the fiery girl in his grasp doesn't burn him too bad, Josh ignores the abuse his throat begins enduring when he tips over the bottle. And when Christopher Hartley welcomes the breathlessness he experiences, Josh is coughing so hard he feels his lungs shake with distress, and he loses his grip on self-control just how he loses everything else. 

His feet find their way to support his weight when he begins staggering towards his bathroom, a place where he needed to feel truly alone, even as havoc reigned from just outside, to let balmy tears create red streaks down his cheeks, burn down his face. There's a click from the lock and the floor bears as his residence for his crying session. The first bout of sobs caused his whole body to shake, he couldn't stop to catch his breath, better yet, he couldn't breathe at all. The violence of his shaking and the tightness of his chest hit him like a brick, his hands engrossed with the itchy fabric of his shirt solely to distract from their potent trembling. "For fucks sake, I...I-" Whatever sentence he was trying to let out was being held back by his noxious wailing. He feels his hand collide with his chest and he enters another coughing fit. His thoughts are all clouded and messy, he can't think, he cannot concentrate and he cannot ground himself. 

The first knock almost went unnoticed, he easily could've played it off as accidentally bumping into something as he shook, but the rhythm of knocking that followed was harder to ignore, especially when, "Josh? You in there, man?"'

The velvet in his voice was clear and easily Josh put it's owner to Michael Munroe. "I, fuck...I um-" That's about as far as he could answer the call before another sob broke through, it felt like his ribs shattered along with it. 

"Josh?" The panic rising in Mike's tone was present, Josh focuses on it, maybe he could ground himself by placing his focus there. "Hey man, can you open the door?" There's urgency lacing around each syllable and Josh tries his best to concentrate on his voice, his chest is stirring, fire roaring. 

He still can't manage to stammer out a full string of words. "Open the door man." His persistence would be annoying if Josh wasn't using it as a main focus-point. There was another small line of knocking before Mike's voice rang through again. "Josh?" 

"Give me a fu...fucking minute...I, fuck. Please." With the strain in his voice and the dearth of air made it hard for him to speak above a whisper, but the panic sets in again when there's no response on the other side. He hadn't meant to come off harsh, or pry away Mike. He listens closely and tries again.

Firstly he tries to find the things he can physically touch. The itchiness of the sweater he wears, even if annoying was comforting him from the outside, helping him realize that his body was there, present and real. Next, his hands fall flat to the bathroom floor, the contrast in temperature between him and the porcelain brings him back to where he needs to be, to take in his surroundings. He slowly lifts himself off the ground, ignoring any pain in his chest, better yet the pulsing in his head. "M-Mike?" He heaves out, pressing his back to the door, if only to fix his posture and to push out whatever air he had left in his lungs. 

"I'm here, man." There's a contrast here as well, Mike's tone is more subdued now, yet he's clearly hiding some sort pressure behind, as if forcing himself to relax to help...Josh finds himself messing with the lock, trying to move it in any direction before finally unlocking the door. One last shaky attempt at an inhale before playing at the handle. On the other side, from what he can tell with his blurred vision, Mike's posture changes when he opens the door, his arm had been relaxing up on the door, slightly above his head. What intrigued Josh was the mixture of brown in his eyes. By the way he holds himself, and the small sway of his body, his state was slightly heightened, however compared to Josh, he was sober.

"You okay?" And even like this, he asks stupid questions. He knew the answer himself, it's seeming like he asked just to confirm that the amount of sympathy seeping through his hickory browns was justified. So Josh doesn't answer, instead he steps to the side and lets Mike come inside. And when everything is settled, he finds his way back down to the floor, his back fully to the door. Suddenly he didn't like the way the room fell into pity. There's still stray tears falling, and his face burns in embarrassment. 

"What happened? Can you talk?" Mike kneels down to his level, as if Josh was a child, now the anger from before builds up again, and with what he consumed, he's not under any circumstance to filter himself.

"Mike...Can we," He pauses himself before the stuttering even peaks through, gathering air and pushing himself to look into the brown. "Can we be quiet? For, for just...fuck" There's a build up on the corners of his eyes, and it's daring to fall out. "I just need to stop crying, I'm tired..." The slurring was bearable, more so than the constant sputtering and heaving. At least his mind is blurring to a point of dullness. 

"Yeah, yeah...whenever you're ready." And now Josh doesn't want him to shut up. He focuses on the design on Mike's shirt, letting himself disassociate from where he is, ignoring how confused Mike is, ignoring how his chest was on fire. There's a long pause, neither of them speak, a collective agreement, but Josh needs to ease out of the tension.

"D-...D'ya remember the promise-" Finally he lets their eyes lock again, and Josh realizes two things in that moment. "At the bar..." Mike's eyes were a really pretty and warm shade of brown, almost at a contrast of Josh's gray mix. "That if I don't li-like the party, I can stay over?" And he realizes he might just prefer this look from Mike than any blue shade he's ever come across, and he might just feel a twisted version of safety when the ends of Mike's mouth perk up, then a blinding smile shines through, and Josh feels as if the clouds opened up and the sun itself peeked through.

"You're takin' me up on that offer, Washington?" Mike's slight garbling was tempting, Josh felt his lips perk up in a smirk. "Okay, okay. First, we sit here, you calm your nerves a bit, hm? Then we'll walk out and I'll drive us back to my place." Josh almost slaps his own hand, because that feeling of envy begins creeping around, simply because Mike can finish his sentences without breaking into a sob or incoherent slurring. "But you gotta tell me what got you so hot and bothered, mkay?" 

Josh can get behind that. Because it wouldn't hurt if Mike knew, a friend to turn to, when your only other one was the reason he was on the bathroom floor.

"Yeah, yeah...okay."

**Author's Note:**

> oh btw! josh's singing is something like alex turner or jesse rutherford
> 
> they'll play a bunch of different songs, ill link the ogs.
> 
> josh - singer  
> chris - guitarist  
> beth - bassist  
> sam - drummer
> 
> the venue they played is kind of a club with a stage?? idk how to explain, a smaller venue, usually used for drinking or djs but theyre playing a show??? ok idk im dumb gn


End file.
